Doodledash

and I finally have acknowledged the fact that though I want to do a Christmas letter in thought. In reality, I don't want to do it. I thought I did but every time I sit down to do it, I clearly don't want to do it. So I am not going to do it. Enough said. We celebrated Christmas with my mother in law on Sunday and she gave me an absolutely fabulous gift, a box of 40 individual flavors of jelly belly. I love it because I can eat a few and have the pleasure of the taste. Nummy. My favorite flavor is juicy pear which I had two of and a yellow one and to my horror a licorice one. I had to spit the whole thing out. Ruined my taste buds for a long time. I hate licorice. We are supposed to get a lot of snow on Christmas Eve and Christmas. I hope we don't have to postpone our celebration. That would be a first and a big disappointment to my family. I finally tasted a cappuchino right now jelly belly that is. I don't drink coffee and tasted it out of curiosity. Not my favo...

hindsight ( ) n. Perception of the significance and nature of events after they have occurred.  I still have not written my Christmas letter because I needed to review and decide what to write. I just finished reading my blog entries for this year. I figured that I would have written about the highlights and wanted to make sure that I didn't miss anything. I titled this hindsight because it has quickly become apparent to me what the significant events of the year have pushed me to do. My friend Jone's death was the key event of the year. I promised myself that I would make some changes and no longer put off important things anymore. I can see the effect that decision has had on my life.  I joined Weight Watchers which changed me in ways I never imagined.  I have lost 22 pounds so far, I have learned to change the way I think about  myself. I like who I am. I am proud of myself for changing.  I have learned that I can make mistakes and not be a failu...

for the first time in my life I am going to write a Christmas letter. I read an article on how not to write a Christmas letter and loved it. It inspired me to do one because her suggestions were right up my alley. I read one of the most boring ones ever this year and I decided that mine will never stoop to that level of snooziness. I kept thinking of the monotone that Ben Stein uses in Ferris Bueller's Day Off...Bueller, Bueller...no way does this chickadee do that to anyone. Well off to the composition and may it come off well. Later gator.

The weather outside is quiet at the moment. It is cold and crispy out though. It snowed and it is now a winter wonderland outside my door. Tomorrow morning I will have to face it for the first time in two days. I have been home with Amy for past two days since she didn't feel well. Good time to be missing school at least with snow and cold and wind. I have had ginormous struggles the past few days. I want to just crawl into a hole and hibernate for the winter. I am facing things a step at a time but it is taking everything I got plus more to deal with it. I am not even sure what it entails but I will discover it. I have been definitely avoiding thinking about by having a song/songs play continuously in my brain so I can't think about it. It doesn't work. When the song stops, the thoughts keep right on going. I know it is vague but right now I am vague. I intend to do some serious thinking when I finish this. So off to bed and may you have a good day tomorrow.

I had really good intentions to write every day but did not accomplish it. I will do better in December. Thanksgiving was a nice time. I had a turkey issue that made me tense. I have never a turkey that was not finished cooking early. I put in the meat thermometer after 4 hours and it said it was done. I took out the bird, took it out of the bag, placed it on the platter and Dane started carving. He kept saying how hard it was to carve and I looked at it. The meat was not done and everything else is. He finished carving and I nuked the white meat, put the dark meat in foil and stuck it in the oven. It was good and worked out well. I bought a digital meat thermometer to use from now on. Not gonna do that one again. Raw turkey is so unappealing! My mother-in-law(who was fairly well behaved), my parents, my brothers Bill and Greg, and Amy were here for the day. It was pleasant and I really appreciated my mom and everyone's help with the meal. After the meal was done and clean up w...

this has been a really shitty day. arguments and tense. stress. yuck. all of us have been wound up and walking on eggshells. i warned amy this morning that i was walking on eggshells with myself and to beware. there was just a lot of things that came up and bit all in the ass. it was not fun. nothing productive about any of it. kate and mackenzie came over for dinner and that was nice. it was the highlight of the day. i love crockpots. thank goodness it is time for bed and time for putting the past behind me. good night and good riddance to sunday.

I have 45 minutes of me time right now until I have to leave for work.  For the moment I have chosen to use some of them for writing this. I had a disturbing revelation this morning that will be my topic of pondering for quite a while. I realized that all my life I have tried to be a lot of different people. I have tried to be my mom, my dad, my aunts, an uncle or two,  my husband, my neighbors, my friends, my respected people, my aquaintances, my coworkers, my kids, and others. It was a matter of I thought I would be better if I acted like (insert name here) .   Now there was one very important name missing in the list. It was mine. I was trying to be everyone else but Debbie.  So now all these thoughts are flooding through my head...I don't have to be a (insert word here) . I don't have to be a math whiz like ( insert name here) , I don't have to be like (insert name here) , etc. It is very scary, very liberating, very exciting, very life changing.  ...

Verdana--Why can't blogger update their fonts? I am very tired of the sorry selection that is here. Be more considerate of your patrons. I am going to be changing fonts while writing this. Bitching done. Trebuchet--Amy is home today sick for day #4. I was home Monday and now Thursday. It concerns me because of work. Nothing I can really do about it though. It is out of my hands. She has had a cold. She should be going to school tomorrow just in time to get everything she needs to be busy this weekend and play catch up. She has missed so much school already and gets stressed when she gets back and has to make up everything. It is a vicious circle. Times--I am feeding her lunch right now, a tasty totinos cheese pizza. Crunchy and nummy. She had a distress call cuz a big booger fell out of her nose and she didn't know where it landed. I did a rescue mission and brushed it off her shoulder. Imagine not being able to pick your nose. No more deep digging to get that annoying boog...

ya know those days when everything is making ya nuts and you are tense and stressed and react to everything? well that is my day. i am snapping and crying and nervous and not a fun person to be around. i looked up f*** you on google cuz that was how i was feeling. i got a rude reminder of why that is not a nice thing to say and just how vile it is. i was ashamed of myself and asked the lord for forgiveness. anyway i have to go the knee doctor tomorrow and i am really nervous. background....my dad had bilateral knee replacement surgery seven weeks ago and i have had a first hand up close and personal why i do not want to do that in addition to all the other reasons. anyway my knees are hurting. they are tight. my left calf hurts on the side and i don't know if it is knee, ligament, tendon or what but it makes sleep very unpleasant. anyway my brain is going a hundred miles an hour and my emotions are on red alert and i am having a hard time relaxing. i feel like tears will be c...

I just had a revelation. It is OK to be proud of myself. I have been in a major funk for the past week. Last week I reached a 15 pound weight loss. I was so excited about it. I then found myself in a terrible depression. I did not understand it at all and have been struggling with anger. My legs and my knees have hurt. My tail bone has hurt. My shoulder has hurt. I have been one big ache. We had a long week of rain and gray skies which was a major factor in my aches and mood.  I had so much anger and I couldn't get to the source of it. I finally felt I needed to make a list of everything I was angry about and it turned out to be ten pages long. That was really depressing especially since most of the things I listed were small things. I did notice a pattern that I have to address but I have to just learn to cope with this stuff. I don't have to be mad at myself because I didn't dust. It is stupid.  I have been eating and sabotaging myself. I was full and just wanted t...

It is time for me to get off the bench. I have spent most of my life on it. I have been called off it at times to play and participate in the game but most of the time has been spent on the sidelines. I have been content to sit and watch. Be it right or wrong that was where I chose to be. Choices are something I have been learning a lot about in the past several weeks. Joining Weight Watchers made me face my eating choices immediately and it was a shock because I saw how many wrong food choices I made. I had to adjust to that and then acknowledge the deeper reasons as to WHY I made these choices. What needs were my food and my eating choices telling me? What was I substituting food for and why? Why did I eat? It has been a very revealing time for me. Things that had been hidden and buried were suddenly exposed and opened up for examination. There have been a lot of tears shed that have helped clean out those old festering wounds. I have learned it is okay to face the problems and...

Right now everything is major and I know when I have some distance, it will be in better perspective but for now it sucks.  I am making progress with changes in my life which is awesome. I am being more diligent and doing things in a more timely manner. I am trying not to be mad at myself and to forgive myself. That is all good stuff. Other stuff though is making me very gggrrrrr. Amy came home and had to vent about school. I am glad she did so we could get some things resolved. I had to make a phone call and talk to her case manager about the fact that she did not have a para who was scheduled to be with her for her afternoon classes. The teacher who was supposed to be in charge of it forgot. It made me very angry and Amy was mad. It was uncalled for and it will not happen again.  There has been some definite communication issues in this family. Too many assumptions and too much defensive reactions. Too much walking on eggshells. Too much tension and stress. It is oo...

I have always liked the color yellow. My bedroom was a pale yellow growing up. My kitchen is a sunny happy yellow. I can't wear yellow it makes me look jaundiced. I do love the color though. In the English language, yellow is associated with jaundice and being cowardly. It is the second color in a stop light indicating caution. A coward is called a yellow belly. It is associated with aging with both people and paper. I feel yellow.Yellow in the way of being cowardly and cautious and old. I don't have the sunny happy yellow in me lately. I realized that I have been very impatient, snapping and reacting to everything. I do it without realized it. I even stopped talking for a while because I was walking on eggshells around myself. I didn't want to open my mouth and say something wrong. I have been really defensive and frustrated. Unlike this lovely flower picured above I feel all moldy and dark inside. It is quite unpleasant. Yesterday, I had a chat with ...

The past few weeks have been an enormous challenge for me. Stress has been a constant companion trying to catch me unaware and either kick me or bite me in the butt when I am not paying attention. Nasty stuff. There has been so much stuff happening that it has all piled up and it collapsed on me the other night.  I need to do a rundown of it to clear my mind... School started which is always a major hurdle. New paras, new teachers, new classes, the uncertainty is hard for Amy. Breaking in a group of people is hard because of her special needs. Thankfully one of her PCA's from the summer, Kris is working with her in school and she knows what to do. That was a blessing. Katie lost her job and is looking for a new one. She also moved in the midst of that. Money is a huge stresser for us all and it is hard not to get worried. Being a parent and watching your kids go through the hard times is just as hard as when I had to go through them for myself. I so want to spare her but that i...

Work has left my brain fried lately and I have had no desire to write. The thought will flit through my head and exit quickly. I have spent a lot of time on Facebook lately http://www.facebook.com/doodledash playing Farmville. It is fun but it causes me to waste a lot of time. I put myself on a self imposed fast of my computer for a day. I read something in a book that had a comment how technology is the new god. It hit home with me and I decided to pull back. I have pulled back a lot in the past few weeks with some stuff so I could get a fresh perspective on myself. I came to some hard but important truths that have made me do some restructuring. I have been diligently doing tasks for specified time periods-short ones. I find I have gotten a lot accomplished and it adds to my feelings of satisfaction. I am learning that I can get things done and it helps me build on improving things. Weight Watchers At Work was recently implemented at my job and I have joined the group. Yesterday wa...

I just watched or should I say fast forwarded through a movie called Smother. Diane Keaton, Liv Tyler, Ken Howard, Dax Shepard were the stars. I did not enjoy it at all. I hoped it would get better but it didn't. I do not recommend it. Point of this all is the plot sounded interesting, I like the stars, and I gave it a shot. It cost me a dollar. Thank goodness for Redbox. Smother is what I have been doing to myself for a very long time. I have done my best to be a people pleaser. I want to please and not upset. I therefore have been stifled by my own actions. I then get angry and resentful because I am not happy. I have learned to not communicate. I have smothered my emotions, my thoughts until I do not know what I genuinely think or feel about something. This fact causes no end of aggravation and argument because I cannot give a quick honest opinion and so I end up saying what I think wants to be heard and I get more frustrated and angry. I know that was a terrible run on sentence...

Another picture from Milwaukee trip. This is what we call an Uncle Bob shot. My brother Bob will pick up a camera and take a picture of himself. Many an unsuspecting person will get their pictures developed and find a grinning picture of Bob. It has happened to me over the years so any time we take a picture of ourselves it is an Uncle Bob shot. I was trying various ones to see how it would turn out through the dangling vines. This was the best one. My brother Bob is the strong silent one in my family. He keeps things to himself but he is always there for you and a wonderful loving man. I love him very much. When Sarah was in the hospital, I liked to sit with her at night when it was quiet. I sat in a rocking chair next to her bed. One night I was sitting there rocking and I looked up. There was Bob leaning over Sarah and gently stroking her hair with tears running down his face. He never said a word but I will never forget the love that I saw on his face that night. That was the ult...

I have my own personal commentarian in the form of my daughter, Amy. She loves to add her two cents to everything and has just got to know who I am talking to or what is happening. She is a younger version of yours truly. It is truly scary to see yourself in your kids but it was worse the first time I heard my mother's voice coming out of my mouth when I was talking to my kids. It shook me up for days. Last weekend my prince and I went on a weekend excursion to Milwaukee. We went to Miller Park and saw a Brewers game. Very nice park and it gave me a taste of what Target Field will be like when it opens next year for the Twins. We had great seats in row 8 next to the visitors dugout which was the Dodgers. One problem was the concern of foul balls and broken bats but thankfully we were any of them. We did a boat tour of Milwaukee which was nice and very touristy but I liked it anyway. We walked along the Riverwalk. Saw the Bronze Fonz. Visited the Three Domed gardens. It was a nice c...

A whisper in the breeze and a quiet question is asked...What will you do with what you have been given? What does that mean? What do you mean by what I have been given? Do you mean things? Talents? Time? Opportunities? Life? Which? What? Why? I sit at my computer typing. I play games. I read blogs. I read news. I read. I doodle on paint. I update itunes. I charge my touch or my phone. I sit and watch a movie or show or play a game on the wii. I read a book or the bible or a magazine. I take a nap. I clean or do laundry. I talk on the phone. I play with the dog. I talk to my kids or my husband. I go to target. I buy groceries. I cook dinner. I read this list and wonder this is this really my life. What happened to the fun? To the joy? Where did it go? When did I turn into this person I don't know or particularly like a lot? Where is the laughter? Where are the smiles? What happened to dreams? What happened to the spark of creativity? Is this blog it? I spend time existing. What will...

Ed McMahon died a few days ago. Farrah Fawcett died today. Then the biggest shocker of all, Michael Jackson. These are three people who have had or been a part of my life. Ed McMahon was Johnny's partner. There would have never been a "Heeeeerrrrreeee'ssss Johnny" without Ed. I used to stay up watching the Tonight Show when I was a kid and Ed was a part of it. I watched the Jerry Lewis telethon and Ed was there as a part of it. Publishers Clearinghouse. StarSearch. Ed was a part of it all. Farrah Fawcett was the toss the blond mane and shake it dream girl of everyone. Her smile on the poster, the red swimsuit, the flashing teeth and blonde hair made every boy drool and every girl dream. She was so cool, so Charlie's Angel. She was married to the Six Million Dollar Man and then divorced him and took up with his friend, Ryan O'Neal. Scandalous and delicious. Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, the cute little guy who could dance from the Jackson Five. Thriller, Of...

I have been really stressed at work lately. I like my job. I like helping people. I like to talk to them and help solve their problems. One aspect of my job is hard for me. I cringe and get tense everytime I have a certain situation. I dread the calls. It has really started to affect me negatively. I realized that I have to take control of the situation. I cannot let this dread and this fear paralyze me. It is such an awful feeling and it has to stop now. "This situation is unacceptable and I am going to beat it. I am going to beat it. I am going to turn this around and be the victor over it. I will not dread it. I will not be afraid of it. I can do this for myself. I have to do this for my family. I will make it and master it until it is natural for me." This is one of my new mantras.

I am full of questions tonight. Why do dogs turn in circles before they lay down? Does it somehow make it more comfortable? Why is Brett Favre's last name pronounced farve when it is spelle favre? Why does freshly mowed grass smell so good? Why does my dog always know what time I am coming home? One day I finally figured out it was the bird clock that alerts him of the time. Why is losing weight so darn hard? How come there is not some wonderful tasty food that has no calories and would help you lose weight? Why are people still so in love and enthralled with Obama as he keeps piling up this incredible debt and sellinbg our country down the river? Why do people like black licorice? Why is it possible to have baseball, football, basketball and hockey seasons all at the same time? Why does my husband zealously maintain control of the remote and dmoan and groan when he can't find it?

The anchor holds though the ship is battered...Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls all your waves and breakers wash over me. Psalms 42:7 Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers wash over me. I stand on the shore watching the tide come in. All the waves are rolling in and they batter the shore. They crash upon the rocks. The rocks stand up to their power. The rocks can't fight the power of the waves. Instead they stand there in the open, letting the waves wash over them smoothing out the roughness, removing the hard edges. The crushing power of the breakers wears down the harshness of the rocks leaving smoothly worn surfaces. The rocks can't fight the waves. It is impossible for them to get up and run away. The rocks must accept what is given them. The waves don't always batter and crash. Sometimes they gently slide over the surface gently caressing the rocks. Sometimes there is peace and a quiet. The rocks cannot know wha...

I love rocks. When people are traveling, I will often ask them to bring back a small rock for me. I don't know why. I just love rocks. This a picture at the start of Minnehaha Creek at the Grays Bay Dam on Lake Minnetonka. I love going fishing here and just sitting and watching. They got great rocks here and I love to watch the water rushing out of the dam onto the rocks. It makes me smile.

Memorial Day weekend we made a quick trip to Omaha for my nephew's open house. He graduated from high school. Amy stayed home with Katie and we all had some away time. It was good for all of us. Dane had a great time with the boys and I had a nice quiet time visiting and reading. It was short but very sweet. Amy loved the freedom and independence of a parent free, girls only weekend. I think Logan was the only one who missed us! Dane got to play Guitar Star or Rock Band on the Wii and showed everyone why he is not the lead singer of the Who! I had a shot at it and it is a lot harder than it looks. There was a high scoring game of Wiffle ball and Dane learned how to play lacrosse. I am very proud of myself because yesterday I got the closet in my kitchen cleaned out and reorganized. This is a huge accomplishment for me. I threw out stuff and the shelves are neat and clean. It made me feel pretty good. I have been to get something accomplished everyday and am doing it more than 50% ...

I watched Mamma Mia again tonight. It is a fun, enjoyable movie. The music is bouncy and great for singing along. It is bright and colorful. It has a great cast. Pierce Brosnan is not a singer but that is okay. He is easy on the eyes. I sat there thinking so many things. I have become so used to the way the world is. Babies are born without fathers and no one blinks an eye. I recently read unmarried mothers account for 40% of births these days. Alternate lifestyles are no big deal and are celebrated. The moral bonds that used to restrain things have loosened up considerably. I read something in a book that has made me think a lot. A man was feeding his goldfish and commented that to the fish, he is the god who gives food twice a day. I feed my daughter's fish twice a day. I clean the tank when it is dirty and scoop out the floaters when necessary. Whenever I come near, they rush up waiting for food. It may not be meal time but that is the conditioned response. I have been condition...

I am a person who has a more negative bent by nature although by the grace of God, He is working on that and I am changing. When you look at the world through rose- colored glasses, you see things in a way that is too optimistic and not real. When you see things through the gray lenses, you miss so many of the wonderful things that are out there because everything looks so dismal. I read a lot of very interesting things and have a great interest in paranormal things, things on the edge, conspiracy theory, and Biblical end time prophecies. I believe that we are living in very interesting times. One of the people who works with Amy was telling me about a priest that I am sure she fully expected me to have not a clue about who he was. When I told her I was familar with him and she expanded on her interests and discussion of things, she was very surprised that I was knowledgeable about strong spiritual and end depth matters. At a friends neighborhood party, I engaged one of the neighbors i...

Amy is home from school today. She has been restless and not sleeping well. Her leg has been very sore and aching. It has made her really uncomfortable and hurt. I loaded her up with ibuprofen and hope she will get some sleep this morning. She stayed home yesterday too and it was a pretty quiet day. We kept the tv off and relaxed. Yesterday was Dane's birthday. I gave him his gifts and then he realized I had forgotten one! Boy did I feel dumb! I had ordered a Twins hoodie for him and it was still in the package by the front door. He did open it and it is really nice. He even offered to let me try it on but he was not happy when I offered to wear when I went to Target. Mario Kart was on of his gifts from Amy. Oh, I forgot to mention that in the past week a Wii has joined our household. It is really fun. Wii Sports is the game included with it and we have played Tennis and Golf and Baseball on it. It is fun. I love the rumble feel you get using the control. One of the really fun thi...

It is a beautiful spring day here. I am cooking some green beans and feeding Amy. We are going over to my parents for dinner today and I am bringing beans. I want to wish everyone a very Happy and Blessed Easter. I want to thank my Lord for going through hell to get me to heaven. It is the greatest gift ever and I thank you for it. My dear husband has to work today so he will not be at dinner which makes me very sad. I will bring him some food but it is his presence that I will miss. Amy had fun looking for her Easter basket. I thought I had picked a bad location but it turned out to be a very good one. We spent 45 minutes looking for it before it was found. I had fun helping her and doling out hints along the way. Her basket contained an itunes card which was highly coveted! She goes through itunes cards frequently. She is one of their better customers! Reina--I hope your Easter turns out well and it is a peaceful day. Lynne--hope your mandatory attendance is appreciated. Destiny--han...

I was thinking about you this morning. I think about you a lot. You have a very special place in my life. You have been more than just my aunt. You have been my friend, my mentor, my confidante and my beloved aunt. You have been such a strength in my life and you are so important to me. I feel bad because I have not taken the time to come and visit you since you had your stroke. It is hard to think of you not being the same as I always remember you. Part of me wants to keep the memories I have now but that is not being fair. Amy was going out the door this morning and she told me how scared she was about going to the doctor. She was also concerned that she just couldn't do it-it being math, etc--all the work of school. She has been very overloaded and overwhelmed by stress from things going on in her life these days. I put my hand on her head and prayed for her. I prayed for clear thoughts and peace. I told her she doesn't to accept all the thoughts of fear. She needs to think ...

On Monday, a month after my friend Jone died, someone very precious to me swallowed a handful of pills and decided the world would be a better without her. She was under the impression that she was not loved and that she was wanted dead by those near and dear to her. I am very happy to say that she made a phone call which was a desperate call for help and she is still in the land of the living. I got a text message telling me that she had taken pills and to pray for her. I remember gasping and was choking on my sobs. I prayed and made some calls to find out what was happening. I was so shaken and so stunned that she would do that. I have had times in my life when death was something I craved. I understand the depths of the pain and wanting to be free of it. I have been there but I always knew I was loved and that my death would cause immense pain. I cried so hard that her life felt so worthless to her. I cried for the pain that we were feeling. I cried because it hurt so bad. Dane whis...

It looks like my oldest daughter has got herself a rat. I hate rodents. I hate them in any size shape or form. Her facebook page has a picture of her with this creature on her shoulder and she looks like she is whispering sweet nothings to it. Yuck. She has a cat so maybe the cat won't like the rat and the rat won't be able to take the cheese. Anyway, snow is melted most places. Warm was here for a while and then flew the coop. I am hoping it warms up this weekend because I have it off. I am in desperate need of some time off. I am trying to regroup from accumulated stress and tension in my life. Tomorrow is the last day of the week and I am looking forward to it. Relatives are visiting from Omaha for the Frozen Four tournament at the X. I look forward to visiting with them between the games. I hate mice. I hate rats. I hate meeses to pieces.

My ultrasound was normal and now I have to take some prilosec to see if it was stomach issues. Glad to get that news. American Idol is on right now. There are some really good singers on it. I like Danny a lot. They are singing Michael Jackson songs. I like his music just can't stand who he has become.

Tomorrow is going to be long day. I have to get a mammogram, a temporary filling filled, my teeth cleaned, the dog groomed and an ultrasound on my gall bladder/liver area. I have had pressure on the upper quadrant on the right side for quite a while. No pain just pressure and I promised myself after Jone died, there would be no more putting stuff off. I am getting it checked out. Problem is that I have been under serious attack with all the thoughts of what could it be and the battle against fear has been awful. I am scared but I need more to know what it is than to be afraid of it. I went to the doctor last week who said it could be gall bladder but who really knew so she did blood tests and wanted the ultrasound done to see what was there. I told my brother about it and he said the most wonderful prayer for me. It was what I needed to hear. I know that God is in control and I have to hang on to him. No more food for the night since you have to fast. Good night to all.

I have been in a training class at work this week and my brain is having some difficulties. It is overloaded and tired. I feel really sad today. I went on break and really missed Jone. It is weird how it's the little things that get you the most. It will get easier every day. I feel really fat. I am stopping the junk and the crap. I am going to exercise come knees or not. I am hormonal right now so, of course, that never makes things any better. I am not really hungry tonight. Food has no interest for me tonight. Nothing is real interesting for me tonight. I feel sad and worn out. I need the weekend. I need to smile right now but I can't find one at the moment. Good night.

I am never again going to wait for a better time. I am now going to do what I need to do NOW not the future. I am going to stop being afraid. I am going to say the things that need to be said. Dane--I love you. Thank you for the greatest gift I have ever received and that was your love. Your love helped me fulfill my deepest most heartfelt dream to be a mother. If not for you, I would not have our beautiful daughters. Thank you my dearest. Katie--You have brought me so much joy. I love you with all my heart. You were an answer to prayers that I didn't know I had. I am so proud of you and think you are truly an amazing woman. Amy--You challenge me in ways I never knew were possible. I love you so fiercely that it hurts. I am so proud of you. You have brought so much joy and laughter to my life that sometimes it hurts from laughing. You are truly an inspiration to me. Mom--You are such an amazing woman. I could not have a better role model, a better mom. You live your life in a way t...

I want to say that my dear friend, Jone, passed away this morning. Her body was just not strong enough to fight anymore and she died. I talked to a good friend of hers who was there with her. Paula said that all her family and friends were able to be with her which made me happy. Her cousin, who is a priest was able to be there and gave her last rites. When he said 'Amen,' she took her last breath. Paula said it was like she had been holding on and waiting for him. I had a dream this morning. I was at work and Jone came in. She was there to say goodbye. She told me it was time to leave. I walked around with her for a while as she talked to people and said her farewells and then it was my turn. She told me that it was time to go and hugged me. I didn't want her to leave. I didn't understand why she thought she had to go. I woke up thinking how real it had been. I wasn't able to get back to sleep so l laid there and prayed for Jone, her family and friends. When I got ...

Today I wrote in the guestbook of my friend Jone on her caring bridge site www.caringbridge.org/visit/jonefaroun1 and I didn't know what to say. I have tried several times to leave a message but it always sounded so phony. It is one thing to be tongue tied when speaking but when I am tongue tied writing then I know I have a problem. Anyway, I am waiting to watch the first part of the Top Chef finale which will start in a few minutes but I am going to have to record it because I need to watch Amy's hair. Dane is busy channel surfing and stopped on Shawshank Redemption for a moment. I really do need to watch that movie sometime. I keep hearing how good it is. It is supposed to be colder tonight and tomorrow. I thought the cold temps were done with and we were going to be having some more reasonable temperatures in the 30s. I do not like the cold single and teen digits we have had. It is suckyville . Reina is complaining about 50. Suck it up girl. I will take it anytime rain or...

Happy Valentine's Day. Thank you for being my strength and support. Thank you for your love and your laughter. Thank you for being patient. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being my helper. Thank you for being my husband and mate and the love of my life. I love you Dane. Happy Valentine's Day!

That line from the movie Network pretty much sums up myself at this moment. I have been full of turmoil and anger and frustration for weeks. It has been building to a crescendo and right now the fat lady is about to sing. My friend, Jone, has stage 4 uterine cancer. I have worked with her for 22 years and it has devastated me. I am finally able to not be a bawling blubbering pile of limp spaghetti. My family was afraid to talk to me because I would break down in tears at the smallest thing for the past few weeks. I can talk about her and the situation without steady tears which is a good thing. I love Jone. She is fun and crazy and listens. She always wanted a silver Jaguar so one year I gave her one for her birthday. I searched for a silver Jag and couldn't find one. I did find a blue matchbox car Jag so I bought it and painted it silver. I presented it to her on her birthday and she loved it. Sometimes Jone and her husband would play poker with some of our friends and she was so...

because I can't be the same person anymore. My life journey of the past few weeks has taken me on some difficult paths. A dear friend of mine who I have worked with for 20+ years was diagnosed with sarcoma of the uterus. It was an advanced case and she just had a hysterectomy two days ago. When I found out she had cancer, I felt like I had been sucker punched and couldn't think or breathe. It has shaken me to the core and in a way I never knew possible. My mortality suddenly reached out and slapped me hard across the face. I am not afraid to die. Death holds no fear for me. I have looked it in the eye and walked away from it. Sarah's death cured me of any fear I had. I have had many loved ones who have passed away and I have grieved their loss. Suddenly the possibility of one of my contemporaries, my friend, my cohort facing this horrible disease and losing her life to it became real. Grief is a companion that we all travel with at some point of our life. I am not real fond...

I like to have the last word. I have discovered it is a matter of pride. It just about kills me to not have the final say. I had a disagreement the other day with someone and it took everything I had to not push it as far I wanted to. Everything in me wanted to defend and explain myself but having been down this road in the past, I knew it was a useless endeavor. I have finally begun to learn that by my pushing, I just make things worse. I used to believe if I pushed it showed that I cared and wanted to have the issue confronted and corrected. You know what I found out, it just pisses people off and makes the situation worse. I guess this could be one of those examples of being wise in your own eyes. I thought if I backed down, I was giving in and losing. It turns out that by stopping, taking that deep breath and saying ok and walking away is not a sign of weakness at all. It just means my pride is bruised which really is okay because I can take it. I have hurt too many people that I l...

Logan doesn't speak my language. He speaks dog. He understands a few words of English but he is not fluent in it. I do not speak dog. I understand some of it. It is amazing how we can communicate with each other none the less. I will be in the middle of some important activity such as general relaxation or reading or watching TV. Logan will come over and plop a toy on my lap and sit there. He is quite patient and can maintain a stare for extended periods. If I don't move, he will come over and remind me that the toy is there. If I continue to ignore it, he will gently take my hand in his teeth and move it to the toy. If all else fails, he may hop on the chair and stand on my chest staring me in the eye and giving me a final chance before kissing me full on the lips. That is guaranteed to get a response. Logan makes his needs known and communicates them clearly. If my dog can communicate his point to me so clearly and easily, why can't I? I know that communication between in...

I had to get a root canal today. It was started at least. The dentist had a problem with the drill so we had to relocate to another room. I decided to take a picture of myself and this was the result. I need to return in two weeks to get the process finished. I have been very sore from it. I hope it improves the next few days.

I have a sore tooth today. I am extremely thankful for a high pain tolerance since the dentist is not open on Sunday and I don't want to today. Last night my jaw on the right was so sore. I was pushing on it and massaging it. It got bearable and I was able to sleep. This morning I bit on my right side and found a new ecstasy of undiscovered pain. I was able to isolate the tooth very quickly and have avoided using that side all day. The last few days there was an icky taste that I knew was tooth associated and for the past few weeks there has been some tenderness on the upper side. I wasn't able to pinpoint anything though until today. The major bummer is I think it is a tooth with a crown so that means it will need to be removed and some major digging involved. I am going to try and go to the dentist tomorrow. I already left a message and hope they take pity on me and squeeze me in. Amy is not feeling well so I am keeping her home tomorrow. It will be an interesting issue of ti...

I play hide and seek all the time. I am tired of hiding. I want to stop being afraid for people to see me for who I am. I have decided to step out from the shadows and show more of me. This is me. Debbie. I like to read People and Us and Ok to see the latest gossip. I like to read trivia and nonsense. I read conspiracy sites. I get concerned for the future of our country and the people I love. I am interested in things on the edge--UFO's, paranormal, cryptozoology, etc. I like to look at things from a different angle. I like to know things. My husband likes to tease me about the fact that the things that interest and fascinate me are "chariots of the gods" stuff. So be it. I love my puppy. I love my daughters. I very much love and adore my husband even when he does give me a hard time. It makes me a better person. Most of all I love my God.