Doodledash

Today.  This week.  This past month. This past year.  They've all been difficult. It's been a time of darkness and shadows. A time of great trials and growth. Why is it necessary to have these times I know it's when I've experienced the most growth and development. It's so hard to hold it together and I often don't but I make it through. After years of wanting and knowing I should, I've finally started seeing a therapist. I like her. She is someone who Amy used to see.  I actually suggested her to Amy when she was looking for someone.  I liked what I read about her. I chose her this time because of these reasons and I wouldn't have to explain about Amy. She's close in age to me and has been very helpful.  She listens and has tangible goals for me. I'm happy with the progress I've been making. We've had a lot of difficulty finding a dependable, experienced, good pca for Amy.  It's been an ongoing issue for over a year.  I didn...

Why I left the church...but not the Lord... As a kid I overdosed on church. My parents brought us to Sunday morning and evening, Wednesday night, week long revivals, missionary week, summer Bible school, 5 day club,  camp meetings were our vacations and on it goes. On Sunday nights we'd have to go to a Nazarene church that my dad grew up in and it was so boring. It came with a lot of 'thou shalt nots' such as go to movies, wear makeup, dance, have fun, etc. It was a very very judgmental atmosphere which was not a good one for me because I have a natural bent towards being judgmental and it just fed into it.  I came to resent having to go to church on Sunday nights. The Wonderful World of Disney was on that night and I was never able to watch it. It was the show to watch as a kid and I lied every Monday because I didn't want to feel anymore left out than I already was. It was a resentment that grew the older I got. I looked for any type of manipulation or reason t...

It's been a very hard few months. I almost lost Amy a couple times. I was afraid that she was going to join you. I didn't want that to happen. I didn't. I told her if she needed to do it, if she couldn't fight anymore it was okay but I was so scared. She never stopped fighting though and I'm so thankful for that. God took care of her and healed her so she could get out of the hospital. I wrote this on May 2... Today I got slapped by life. It wasn't just a gentle slap. It was a full out wind up smack that knocked the wind out me as I landed flat on the floor And then it kicked me a few times to make sure I felt it. I sit here in ICU. The whoosh of the machine Bells, alarms, beds tilted, IV pumps, blip blip blip All attached in some way to my daughter. The curtains are drawn As the nurse leaves the room. Leaving us in the glow of the green and white and blue screens to watch Each of the lines climb and fall telling their tale of my daughter. I'v...