Doodledash

Metamorphosis crept upon me and overtook me without my realization. By the time I was aware it was too late and the change had already begun. I realized it when I had the inner groaning which occurs when I am going through the process of growth. I picture myself as a butterfly as it is struggling to get out of its cocoon. Once I emerge I will have passed through another stage another time of growth but in the meantime it hurts. My friend told me I am strong. I feel no strength right now. Any strength is from a source outside of myself. Within myself I am weary and heavy laden wanting to rest, to have quiet slumber and a time of regeneration.  I have such a deep longing, a yearning in the depths of my soul but I can't find what I search for and so I try to fill it with books, movies, tv, music but none of them quiet the struggle or quell the storm. My friend asked for my favorite quote and I swiftly wrote it down. I discovered when I was twelve or thirteen. It is from the Road Le...

Amy is graduating next week. I find it overwhelming, amazing, inspiring, incredible, fabulous, intimidating and very scary. She was just a baby and now she is going to put on the cap and gown she got yesterday. Wow, where did the time go?  When I was pregnant with her I knew in my heart that she was going to have some challenges. I felt that she was probably going to have the same disability as Sarah and when it was confirmed it was a very hard day. I knew my life was going to change forever and at least had an idea of what it would be like because of Sarah. When she was born with Arthrogryposis I was ready and braced myself for it. God in his grace and mercy had some wonderful surprises for us though. He hooked us up with a fabulous woman in the hospital who told us about some new programs to help financially which changed our life. I had hope. It was liberating. Amy came home and was a spitfire from the start. This girl had such fire and such determination it blew me away. Sh...

Abandoned. Lost. Cast adrift on a sea of lethargy. I quit. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself? Luke 9:25 I have always thought of the losing or forfeiting yourself to be a spiritual eternal loss. I never thought that it could be applied to myself right now in the current reality of my life. I heard someone telling her story that she had to quit her church-which was a brave thing to do because she was the pastor's wife and the church was her life. She had reached a point of burn out, a place where she found she had lost herself. She did not know who she was and could no longer live with the way her life had turned out. She needed to pull back and leave to be healed. I have poured myself into my family, my job, helping other people, worrying and being afraid. I was afraid to say no. I was afraid of conflict. I was afraid of rocking the boat. It was easier to be compliant and complacent. Guess what? I am miserable and I d...