Revelation..

I just had a revelation. It is OK to be proud of myself. I have been in a major funk for the past week.

Last week I reached a 15 pound weight loss. I was so excited about it. I then found myself in a terrible depression. I did not understand it at all and have been struggling with anger. My legs and my knees have hurt. My tail bone has hurt. My shoulder has hurt. I have been one big ache. We had a long week of rain and gray skies which was a major factor in my aches and mood. 

I had so much anger and I couldn't get to the source of it. I finally felt I needed to make a list of everything I was angry about and it turned out to be ten pages long. That was really depressing especially since most of the things I listed were small things. I did notice a pattern that I have to address but I have to just learn to cope with this stuff. I don't have to be mad at myself because I didn't dust. It is stupid. 


I have been eating and sabotaging myself. I was full and just wanted to keep eating. Nothing was satisfying me for long. I could have shoveled in anything but thankfully I still had some sense of restraint.


I was bending over in the laundry room and realized that I like being able to breathe without feeling like I am struggling for breath. I don't want to be fat. I kept repeating it to myself and I suddenly realized what was wrong. I have been punishing myself for being proud of losing weight. 

I am not proud of myself very often. It is a rare feeling and I don't know how to handle it. Compliments are a struggle for me. I have felt like I don't deserve them. I have done something though that I am proud of. I have lost 15 pounds and I am proud of it. 

I will not beat myself up about it. I will not be sabotaging myself. I had a bump in the road but I am back on track. I lost sight of my goal but I have it back. Most of all, I am proud of myself. 

Comments

Reina said…
I am so very proud of you too. You are doing something I wish I could be doing, but now is not my time. I have other things I need to devote time and attention to, and to everything there is a season. You are doing something amazing for yourself and you deserve to be proud of yourself for a wonderful accomplishment!

We all have those voices inside that say we don't deserve to be happy (we need to "pay" for our sins/grievences) but God does love us and rejoices with us in our successes, and He approves and encourages us to be good stewards of our gifts, which includes being good to our bodies and making them be reflections of Him by taking care of ourselves and doing things that are healthy for us!

You are on the right track and I congratulate you on recognizing your own acts of self-sabatoge. I am very proud of your efforts and I really wish you continued success.
7:51 AM
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