Doodledash

One of the definitions of careen is  something that's teetering from side to side. This pretty much describes where I am and where I've been for a long time. I woke up this morning with these thoughts bouncing through my head and feeling the need to write them down. I am angry right now because the imagined control I have of my life has been torn to shreds. Several days this past month I started out the day in the usual manner and it quickly becomes something else. It becomes something unexpected, scary, and uncontrollable.  My life has careened out of control-a control which I never had-but God does. Being angry makes it easy for me to list out all the reasons why this has been a sucky year-it would be as long as my arm-but that doesn't do any good. I acknowledge the anger and the fear and the difficulty. It's hard to go through these challenges and not want to run away. I have actually run away in my dreams and I've withdrawn which is not doing me...

I started this blog nine years ago. I reread a lot of them and was surprised by a variety of things. The most constant mention was the pain of losing my daughter in 1985. I used this blog to heal. I see the pain I've experienced over the years and the challenges I've faced. The question I needed answered and to honestly acknowledge was also glaringly clear to me. I'm at a crossroad and I need to make some decisions which will determine the next chapter of my life.