Doodledash

Holidays can be sad. I never was aware of this fact growing up but I learned it when I became an adult. When my daughter died before Christmas, it was a very dark and dismal time. It was the first and only time I never had a Christmas tree. Celebration was not big on my to do list that year. I have had other loved ones who passed on near Christmas since that time many years ago. None though have ever been as difficult. I have had other sad times due to those who have chosen not to be part of the family get togethers and those have left me feeling empty. I am afraid that habits have now been formed and they may not be easily broken. Last year was a really hard time because there was family difficulties that caused some very strained relationships. I had a lot of tears both on Christmas and my birthday from that strain. I am happy to say that those are now in the past and there was a lot of love and joy this year. I hope everyone will take a moment to realize that life is too short and t...

A new year is approaching. I want to set some goals for myself. Not resolutions cuz I never keep the damn things but maybe just maybe if I make them goals I will be able to achieve them. I live with a certain person who shall remain unnamed who is a member of the Language Police. Anytime words of a certain kind are said, I hear a loud reprimand. I am going to try hard to use these words less frequently especially my all time that is spelled S-H-*-T. (if I spell it, she won't yell, NOT) I am going to put things away. I am going to tackle a chore every day. I am going to spend less time picking my nose. I am going to tell more people I love them. I am going to appreciate myself for who I am. I am going to stop listening to the lies. Well now that I have set my goals. I have one more. I am going to try very hard to write in my blog on a more regular basis. I put a counter on my blog to see if anyone really looks in on it besides Reina and obviously someone does cuz it would not be at ...

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I find that I don't always have good coping skills. If I am nervous or worried, food is a great comfort. I will pace and sit down at the computer. I will try to write or read. I will try to play a game on my DS. I will turn on the TV and channel surf. I did a search on coping skills and found some good suggestions to help cope with stress. 1. Play some music which is appropriate for your mood. 2. Do something to distract yourself and get involved. Take a walk, clean your house, tackle that closet or drawer that you have avoided. TV and computers are too passive and don't work. 3. Make use of those cell phone minutes, give someone a call. Make the time to make the call that you are always going to do when you have time. 4. Pray. God loves to listen and he doesn't tell you to shut up. 5. Breathe deeply and focus on your body. 6. Scream. 7. Take a hot shower. 8. Clean out your purse. 9. Go to your happy place and take a nap. 10. Pick your nose. Just wanted to be sure you were ...

I have written in my blog about a hundred times in my head but apparently it has been a month since my last entry. Time sure goes fact when you think you are writing. We have painted our living room. It is the first time it has been a plain solid color. It is quite a change. We have either had printed wallpaper or sponged walls. Amy thinks it looks like an old couples color, Katie added to it by saying it looks like a nursing home. Such enthusiasm and raves will totally underwhelm me. Logan has been chewing on his back paw all day. I can't find anything there and he doesn't flinch in pain. I will need to call a vet tomorrow to see what they recommend. I hope he is ok. Project Runway finale is on in a few minutes. I really like that show. It is fun. Kenley is a bitch though. I like Leanne. I think Kenley might win though. I love Tim Gunn. Survivor is on tomorrow night. I love Survivor. It is set in Gabon, a country in Africa. They bill it as Earth's last Eden. It is totally ...

This is my current Cactus Dude. He had a long drive to San Francisco this summer. His hat was ripped but it lasted for more than 2500 miles before it disappeared in Yosemite. I have had various cactus dudes of varying colors for many years. I can always find my car because of my cactus dude. I also have a Wilson antenna topper which I got from Blockbuster a long time ago. Wilson was the ball from Castaway with Tom Hanks. I like my cactus dudes and Wilson and the Spam ball on my husbands car. It is easy to find our vehicles and it makes me happy. I discovered when my oldest daughter got her own car that a cactus dude was not her idea of fun even though she does have Wilson. She had tolerated mine for years and I think she was glad to be free of them when she had the opportunity. Quirks are a big part of me. I like quirks. Quirks set you apart from the crowd and I am proud of mine. Be it chariot of the gods, cactus dude, wilson, plastic ware, or words. They are mine and help me to be me.

I had a pair of docksiders that were my all time favorite shoes. I loved them. They were my daily companions and I wore them everywhere. I have never been a shoe person. I have thick square feet and it is hard to find shoes that are comfy. I always dreaded looking for shoes. When I was in high school, some girls who I really liked and wanted to be friends with wore docksiders. I liked how they looked and I wanted to be part of the group. I never was part of the group I was on the outskirts of a lot of groups including theirs. After I graduated from school, I saw some shoes and they fit! I was so excited and I bought them. I felt confident and cool and great withthem on my feet. They were my ruby slippers. I wore them for years and they eventually wore out. I mourned their demise. I found out later that my sister-in-law hated my shoes. She hated the worn down crummy way they looked and was so thrilled to hear that they were gone. I didn't care what anyone thought about my shoes ...

My friend's brother is dying from cancer. She went to see him last night and said he doesn't look good. Her sister-in-law said that she doesn't think he will last very long. He is in great pain and has faded into a gaunt shadow of his former self. The wonderful part of this awful experience is the fact that after several years of avoidance, her brother and his wife contacted my friend and re-established their relationship. She has been able to spend the past several months getting to know him and having the joy of memories to cherish. There was anger and resentment that caused the rift in the relationship. The saddest part is that she never knew the reason for the antagonism. She tried to reach out but if the other hand is not extended there is nothing to grasp. Seven years were wasted that can never be recovered as a result of the nonsense. My husband's extended family had rifts throughout the various branches. I thank God that his dad and mom refused to allow the pois...

Amy has wanted to see the Golden Gate Bridge since she was three years old. Whenever we have discussed a vacation destination, she has suggested we see it. I am happy to say that she was able to fulfill that dream recently. Our family vacation this year was a trip to San Francisco or more specifically the Golden Gate Bridge. I will never forget the look of awe and delight that Amy had on her face when she first caught sight of the bridge. It was a wonderful moment. I will always treasure it.

This is Logan. He is a member of my family and very loved. He was named after Rory's boyfriend on Gilmore Girls. He is one of the very best gifts that God has ever given.

Whack a bug is part of our family history. It began several years ago when we went to visit my sister-in-law in Colorado. Her home was an old family homestead from the early 1900's. One of those gems that was built cockeyed, had a dirt cellar, and newspaper insulation. It was small, cozy and boxelder bugs loved it. My daughter and I were sleeping in one of the rooms and it had boxelder bugs everywhere. Katie was not real thrilled with them so I started playing whack a bug and smashing bugs everywhere. She was very excited and pointed out all the bugs she could find. There was a distinct reduction in the Colorado boxelder bug population after our visit. Whack a bug became a favorite sport of mine. I would get the fly swatter out for the pesky fly and any other insect that ventured within my sight. I didn't always get it but I gave it very good effort. My most infamous whack a bug incident occurred a number of years ago when there was this especially bothersome fly in the bathroo...

I am in the basement again waiting for pants to dry. Baseball is on the tv upstairs. Amy is watching Juno on the computer. I am sitting here trying to decide if I can wait to take a dump or not. Wait is winning. My friend Lisette is in Africa right now on a personal quest. She is spending three weeks helping people. I am very proud of her. She is going to write about her adventures and thoughts from her blackberry while there. I hope it works. Her blog http://lisettesreflections.blogspot.com/ has her first adventure.

Today I saw a tattered ragged heart. I didn't want to see it. It made me cry. I couldn't look at it closely. I had to turn my back. I saw it in a blur. It hurt. I hurt. My heart cried for it. Tonight I begin the wait.

I have been full of ideas and wanted to write all day. Now that I have a chance, I don't know what to say. I am sitting at the computer in the basement listening to the dryer tumbling and I'm waiting to hang my husband's work pants. They will take about 15 minutes to dry so that is my deadline. I was talking with a friend the other day and my mom was mentioned. She asked if I have always been close to her. I told her that I have and she said that she is close to her mom too. Later my husband and I went to dinner and we were talking about my daughter. I had been thinking about her a lot and I said how much I miss her. I almost started crying. I always thought we would be close because moms and daughers have always been close in my family. I assumed the same would go for me. Unfortunately, that is not the case and it can be really hard at times. Trace Adkins sang a song called You're Gonna Miss This. It talks about the everyday parts of life with your kids that you are on...

Shaken not stirred. Vodka martini. Bond. James Bond. Cool. Super cool. I am not James Bond or Jamie Bond or even close to the persona. I am shaken. I am stirred up. I am worried and nervous. I feel overwhelmed. Life has been hitting us with the punches. One. Two. One. Two. I am still standing. My feelings are not my reality. My faith is my reality. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. In my reality, what I feel may want to push me to the edge but my faith grounds me and the roots hold me solid. I am shaken. I am stirred. And I still keep on going. and going. and going.

You were sad. I could see it in your face. I heard it in your voice. I cared. I wanted to make you smile. I sent you a card. I told you I cared. I told you I was a friend. I didn't sign my name. You mentioned it when you got it. You made a point of talking about it. You made a point of showing your disdain. You didn't hide your disgust. You were making a point. I got the point. I learned. I never did it again. You won but you lost.

I am trying so hard to figure out something witty and wonderful to write to start out the year with a laugh. I can't think of anything. The well is dry. My husband is doing his usual shrill and loud voice that he uses with his brother. I can always tell when he is talking to him. The voice and behavior and attitude slide back to boyhood and he becomes Mr. tryasicantobegoofyandiusuallysucceedatit. It can be whimsical and bring a smile to me for two minutes and then it gets annoying. I love both Dane and Mark but they are totally immature when they are on the phone. The longer they talk the louder the volume gets on this end. I guess the older that Mark gets, the worse his hearing becomes so Dane needs to speak up so he can hear it. Oh oh. The phone is about to die. It is beeping. Thank the Lord for small blessings. Dane is planning our summer excursion to San Francisco and is slowly making me nuts. I want the plans finalized so I can live in peace and quiet for a while. Go go go is ...