Doodledash

I grew up in Temple Village. It was a neighborhood that was built around members of Temple Church many years ago. It's a maze of Temples-Temple Drive, Temple Lane, Temple Terrace, Temple Way, Temple Circle, Temple Road, North Temple Drive, and South Temple Drive. It's very easy to get lost, but that's part of the fun. My best friend growing up, Ronda, lost her mom. Today was the funeral. It was a packed house and there was a Temple Village reunion. I saw so many familiar faces of friends and neighbors looking a lot like I remembered their parents. We were all older, grayer, and more wrinkled than the last time we saw each other. Memories of good times, laughter and joy, tears and sorrow all mingled in the remembrance of Jean. I loved her. She was so much a part of my life at one time. She welcomed me and I was just another one of the family. She laughed so wonderfully. A full deep and hearty infectious laugh that couldn't help, but lift your spirits. I learned and a...

It's been seven months since I've written anything. Confession...i turned 60 a few months back. That's an age I never thought much about or imagined and before I knew it, I was there. It's just a number I hear but it's a scary number.  Now 60 isn't so old because no way can I be that old.  Sarah would be 36 if she were alive. Kate is 30. Amy is 24. Contemplate those facts. How it's that possible?  At first, it didn't bother me, but now I've discovered it does. It just held off a while. It suddenly makes me more aware of my mortality. I can understand why old people talk about their health and issues now. I can get a senior discount. Yippee! Not.  It's a state of mind. You're only as old as you feel. Bull pucky. I guess my body wasn't listening cuz I hurt way more than I did when I was 50. I just got over a nasty case of shingles. Get the shot, you don't want them. They hurt more than you can imagine.  I hear more a...

Tomorrow is my Mom's 80th birthday party. I've been organizing it. It's going to be very minimalistic. The older I get, the more I hate entertaining or planning something. I used to enjoy it, but not anymore. It makes me tense and frustrated. My neck, jaw, and shoulders are tight and hurting. I even had my husband work on massaging them which I don't enjoy. It helped, but it hurt like hell. I love my Mom and am so glad to have her. She's been such an inspiration and support to me. She's been Amy's confidant and shoulder to cry on. She is much more than my Mom, she's also my friend. I love her so much.

Instead of complaining and whining I'm going to take a few steps back and see what all the challenges have produced or brought to me. Amy's feet and legs were badly infected and swollen. The only way they could be treated and healed was by her hospitalization. The Lord used Jim to save Amy's life. God had laid her on his heart with an urgent need to pray. He visited us and told her and then prayed for her. This convinced her she needed to go to the ER. We discovered a serious breathing issue that Amy had when she was hospitalized. Amy would've died and we had no clue. Amy had stopped breathing and had a CODE BLUE respiratory failure. An emergency team swarmed her room and I was alone. Bob has worked at the hospital a lot for years. I called him and he only heard a few words and came. When I saw his face in the door, behind all the staff, I went to him and fell apart. I needed to have someone and he was my someone. Continual healing of Amy when it medically sho...

Today.  This week.  This past month. This past year.  They've all been difficult. It's been a time of darkness and shadows. A time of great trials and growth. Why is it necessary to have these times I know it's when I've experienced the most growth and development. It's so hard to hold it together and I often don't but I make it through. After years of wanting and knowing I should, I've finally started seeing a therapist. I like her. She is someone who Amy used to see.  I actually suggested her to Amy when she was looking for someone.  I liked what I read about her. I chose her this time because of these reasons and I wouldn't have to explain about Amy. She's close in age to me and has been very helpful.  She listens and has tangible goals for me. I'm happy with the progress I've been making. We've had a lot of difficulty finding a dependable, experienced, good pca for Amy.  It's been an ongoing issue for over a year.  I didn...

Why I left the church...but not the Lord... As a kid I overdosed on church. My parents brought us to Sunday morning and evening, Wednesday night, week long revivals, missionary week, summer Bible school, 5 day club,  camp meetings were our vacations and on it goes. On Sunday nights we'd have to go to a Nazarene church that my dad grew up in and it was so boring. It came with a lot of 'thou shalt nots' such as go to movies, wear makeup, dance, have fun, etc. It was a very very judgmental atmosphere which was not a good one for me because I have a natural bent towards being judgmental and it just fed into it.  I came to resent having to go to church on Sunday nights. The Wonderful World of Disney was on that night and I was never able to watch it. It was the show to watch as a kid and I lied every Monday because I didn't want to feel anymore left out than I already was. It was a resentment that grew the older I got. I looked for any type of manipulation or reason t...

It's been a very hard few months. I almost lost Amy a couple times. I was afraid that she was going to join you. I didn't want that to happen. I didn't. I told her if she needed to do it, if she couldn't fight anymore it was okay but I was so scared. She never stopped fighting though and I'm so thankful for that. God took care of her and healed her so she could get out of the hospital. I wrote this on May 2... Today I got slapped by life. It wasn't just a gentle slap. It was a full out wind up smack that knocked the wind out me as I landed flat on the floor And then it kicked me a few times to make sure I felt it. I sit here in ICU. The whoosh of the machine Bells, alarms, beds tilted, IV pumps, blip blip blip All attached in some way to my daughter. The curtains are drawn As the nurse leaves the room. Leaving us in the glow of the green and white and blue screens to watch Each of the lines climb and fall telling their tale of my daughter. I'v...

One of the definitions of careen is  something that's teetering from side to side. This pretty much describes where I am and where I've been for a long time. I woke up this morning with these thoughts bouncing through my head and feeling the need to write them down. I am angry right now because the imagined control I have of my life has been torn to shreds. Several days this past month I started out the day in the usual manner and it quickly becomes something else. It becomes something unexpected, scary, and uncontrollable.  My life has careened out of control-a control which I never had-but God does. Being angry makes it easy for me to list out all the reasons why this has been a sucky year-it would be as long as my arm-but that doesn't do any good. I acknowledge the anger and the fear and the difficulty. It's hard to go through these challenges and not want to run away. I have actually run away in my dreams and I've withdrawn which is not doing me...

I started this blog nine years ago. I reread a lot of them and was surprised by a variety of things. The most constant mention was the pain of losing my daughter in 1985. I used this blog to heal. I see the pain I've experienced over the years and the challenges I've faced. The question I needed answered and to honestly acknowledge was also glaringly clear to me. I'm at a crossroad and I need to make some decisions which will determine the next chapter of my life.

This morning I looked in the mirror Expecting teo see my brassiere But my eyes came to rest On my belly undressed As big as a blimp named goodyear. Needless to say when I saw my belly the size of a blimp, it was a slap on the face. I weigh more now than I have in my whole life and I am not happy about it. I've got all sorts of excuses I can use--I've had a lot of stress which is true--it's been more stress than I've had to deal with in a long long time. My mother-in-law was hospitalized with a staph infection and we didn't know if she'd live or die. She survived it but was in a nursing home rehab for several weeks.  My oldest daughter got married. My youngest daughter was having a lot of difficulties with different issues and that made me really stressed. My husband was dealing with the burden of making decisions for his mom and dealing with his mom. She has never been an easy person ever. One of my daughter's caregivers had family and health ...

I am very angry right now. My daughter is getting married in a few weeks and she doesn't have the money to pay for it. She asked to get cash instead of the gift we were planning on giving. She wants to pay for the food with the money. I really wanted to give her the gift we selected. It was important to me. We're already paying for the photographer. I paid for my own wedding. Why can't she? There was no planning or saving for the wedding. It was decided to do it once a law passed. It had to be done then. I don't understand why there wasn't any planning or saving for it. It's caused a lot of stress for my family. I know she's stressed and that's why she asked for the cash. Am I overreacting? I feel cheated and disrespected. It's not fair.

Tonight I cried for the passing of my youth, for the passing of childhood, for the passing of time. I cried for the passing years of my kids childhood, for the memories of joy and tears, for the changing. I'm not young anymore. I still have dreams buried somewhere. It's all passing so fast. Where am I going? Where am I going to be? I wish I knew.

Empty beds. Twenty empty beds. Twenty empty rooms. Twenty empty homes. Now there is less laundry. Less dishes. Less meals. Less mess. An empty bed. An empty room An empty home. An empty heart. Tears are collected by God. Tears for the empty beds. Tears for the empty lives. Tears for the empty hearts. Mommy cry. Let your tears wash away some grief. Daddy cry. Let your tears wash away some pain. Sister cry. Let your sobs cleanse some of your wound. Brother cry. Let your sobs empty some of the ache. Tears are a path to heal. Tears are a cleansing wash. But tears dry Still leaving an emptiness. One day your smile will return. One day the cherished memories won't hurt. One day the pain will be less. And one day your empty heart will start to heal. But today let the tears come. Today let the grief be. Today let the heart cry Because today there's an empty bed.

time passed so slowly when you died. it caused me pain to breathe from sobbing so hard. i wanted time to end. time didn't end. it dragged me along until i was numbed from the pain. being numb helped for a while until it wore off like Novocaine and i was left with an ache in my heart. many years have now passed and the pain is gone except for those momentary flareups. today it ached again and the pain was anew tears flowed and washed it away. until next time. and time again. and time again.

I love that song. Today is a Thursday and it's not rainy. It's cloudy and in the forties. I've had a sinus infection all week and I went to work today. I had a head full of snot. It was gross. I kept blowing my nose. It filled up after five minutes. Where does all that snot come from? I couldn't suck it in so I had to blow and it just sounded disgusting. My head has dried up for the moment thankfully and my ears aren't plugged. My dear friend is having a hard time and feeling blue and cornered. Lord please give her a boost and shine some special sunshine into her life right now. Pour out some blessings on her. She needs it and she has been such a blessing to me. Please hug her Lord and make her smile. Amen.

So today is December 1 and it occurred to me to start writing my blog again. I'm feeling particularly honest today and confession is good for the soul. I have my keyboard -bluetooth on, my iPad, my TV tray, my bowl of byerlys wild rice soup, a glass of chocolate milk and inspiration. I'm ready.  There will be one person for sure, at least I think so, who will read this. Everyone else has pretty much abandoned it because I did not write. I love ya Reina. Thanks for not giving up on me. I love wild rice soup. It's one of my comfort foods. I discovered it when I was first married and have loved it ever since. It's one of those tasty delights that leaves you wanting to lick the bowl to get every last drop of good. I often do it and plan on doing it shortly. Mmmm.  Smooth creamy texture and those crunchy distinctive wild rice nuggets are a heavenly concoction. Ham and carrots round out the and fill in the taste gaps. My dog is a wonderful teacher and I a dil...

the wall that time built....... brick by brick brick by brick brick by brick i still could see you and ignored the wall. brick by brick brick by brick brick by brick i could still see you and ignored the wall. brick by brick brick by brick brick by brick i can't see you very well because of the wall. brick by brick brick by brick brick by brick i walked up to the wall and examined it. on each brick was a word. anger by hurt tears by rejection misunderstanding by resentment unforgiveness by pain i leaned against the wall and cried. brick by brick.

I believe in this thing called life we're all assigned our own little corner of hell to live through to help define the person we are and will be. It's not a case of feeling sorry for myself, although, an occasional pity party can work wonders. It's more how we face it, how we adapt to the situation that God has given us. I Cor 10:13 says  The only temptations that you have are the same temptations that all people have. But you can trust God. He will not let you be tempted more than you can bear. But when you are tempted, God will also give you a way to escape that temptation. Then you will be able to endure it. My saturation and endurance point is at the zenith and I'm standing about to crumble. It's so hard for me right now. I called to talk to my mom today because she is one of the few people who will listen and has a good perspective of the situation. I wanted to run away from home today but I couldn't because I didn't have my own car. I borrowed s...

Metamorphosis crept upon me and overtook me without my realization. By the time I was aware it was too late and the change had already begun. I realized it when I had the inner groaning which occurs when I am going through the process of growth. I picture myself as a butterfly as it is struggling to get out of its cocoon. Once I emerge I will have passed through another stage another time of growth but in the meantime it hurts. My friend told me I am strong. I feel no strength right now. Any strength is from a source outside of myself. Within myself I am weary and heavy laden wanting to rest, to have quiet slumber and a time of regeneration.  I have such a deep longing, a yearning in the depths of my soul but I can't find what I search for and so I try to fill it with books, movies, tv, music but none of them quiet the struggle or quell the storm. My friend asked for my favorite quote and I swiftly wrote it down. I discovered when I was twelve or thirteen. It is from the Road Le...