Ode to a belly

This morning I looked in the mirror
Expecting teo see my brassiere
But my eyes came to rest
On my belly undressed
As big as a blimp named goodyear.

Needless to say when I saw my belly the size of a blimp, it was a slap on the face. I weigh more now than I have in my whole life and I am not happy about it.

I've got all sorts of excuses I can use--I've had a lot of stress which is true--it's been more stress than I've had to deal with in a long long time.

  • My mother-in-law was hospitalized with a staph infection and we didn't know if she'd live or die. She survived it but was in a nursing home rehab for several weeks. 
  • My oldest daughter got married.
  • My youngest daughter was having a lot of difficulties with different issues and that made me really stressed.
  • My husband was dealing with the burden of making decisions for his mom and dealing with his mom. She has never been an easy person ever.
  • One of my daughter's caregivers had family and health issues so I was left to handle things and try to hire someone new. 
  • I did my best to cover things at home and make it easier for my husband but unfortunately I reach a breaking point and end up withdrawing from life.
  • I spent a lot of time in the recliner watching HGTV and on my iPad. 
  • Dinner was a bother. 
I shut down.

I have some brothers with substance abuse issues and my substance of choice was carbs and sweets. Carbs became my constant companion. I would eat anytime and munch anything. It didn't matter, it just had to be a distraction and ease my pain. So my pain has been eased to the point that I now am uncomfortable in all my clothes and hate to see myself in the mirror.

When I saw myself this morning, it really hit me hard. I knew I'd gained weight and didn't want to do anything about it. I wanted to ease my pain and wade in the mud puddle with the pigs. I still dread the thought of changing but I have to do it. I can't keep on trying to kid myself. I don't want to turn a blind eye. It's not healthy. It's not happy. It's not anything good. I know I can lose weight I've done it. I liked myself when I did but I was scared. I didn't know how to handle liking me. It freaked me out to be proud of myself. I was not emotionally able to handle it so I kept making excuses when the scale started climbing.

Now I have to do something about it. I have to get my ass out of the chair. I have to plan my meals. I have to start moving. I have to do it. I have to CHOOSE to do it.

You who are reading this know who you are. I'm asking you to hold me accountable since you're the one I trust and know that you will do it. I want to look back on this and say this is when I started and when I made a change.

Comments

Reina said…
Sigh, I am standing next to you in the same situation... Reasons are valid, but actions are not. Let's get moving girlfriend!
7:55 AM
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