This time I wanted to forget...

It's been a very hard few months.

 I almost lost Amy a couple times. I was afraid that she was going to join you. I didn't want that to happen. I didn't. I told her if she needed to do it, if she couldn't fight anymore it was okay but I was so scared. She never stopped fighting though and I'm so thankful for that. God took care of her and healed her so she could get out of the hospital.

 I wrote this on May 2...
Today I got slapped by life.
It wasn't just a gentle slap.
It was a full out wind up smack that knocked the wind out me as I landed flat on the floor
And then it kicked me a few times to make sure I felt it.
I sit here in ICU.
The whoosh of the machine
Bells, alarms, beds tilted, IV pumps, blip blip blip
All attached in some way to my daughter.
The curtains are drawn
As the nurse leaves the room.
Leaving us in the glow of the green and white and blue screens to watch
Each of the lines climb and fall telling their tale of my daughter.
I've been through this dance
I've followed these steps thirty years ago.
Shadowed dancers in the echoed halls of time swirl to the same tune
Will this dance end soon for this daughter too?

I really thought she was not going to come home with us at the time. She had quit breathing a few times and I was there when she had a code blue respiratory. I faded into the background watching as it occurred knowing I was helpless to stop anything. I couldn't even pray.

Amy came home. You never did. You were my past. I hardly knew you. What's left is the love which will never die. 

Today your birthday is passed and for the first time I wanted to forget you because I didn't want to remember but...that was impossible. It snuck into my thoughts when I wasn't looking but I was able to get through them, through you. 

Thank you for making me a mother. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for giving me a chance to be with you. I still love you Sarah. Forever.



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