Careening

One of the definitions of careen is something that's teetering from side to side. This pretty much describes where I am and where I've been for a long time.

I woke up this morning with these thoughts bouncing through my head and feeling the need to write them down.

I am angry right now because the imagined control I have of my life has been torn to shreds. Several days this past month I started out the day in the usual manner and it quickly becomes something else. It becomes something unexpected, scary, and uncontrollable. 

My life has careened out of control-a control which I never had-but God does.

Being angry makes it easy for me to list out all the reasons why this has been a sucky year-it would be as long as my arm-but that doesn't do any good. I acknowledge the anger and the fear and the difficulty. It's hard to go through these challenges and not want to run away. I have actually run away in my dreams and I've withdrawn which is not doing me any good.

I will do the opposite of what I feel like doing. I will take control of this careening vehicle called my life and stop to look at the answered prayers and blessings that have resulted from the challenges.

1. I make a strong effort to tell those around me how much I appreciate them. I don't hesitate to let them know they are loved and important to me.
2. Life is fleeting and fragile. We never know what the day holds so don't let those moments pass when you can show your love to the people around you.
3. Life is a gift and never take it for granted.
4. My daughter has many challenges physically and because of them I have become her closest confidant and ally. I've been blessed to know this lovely young woman and to call her daughter.
5. I see how Amy faces all her challenges even through the tears and fears. She pushes through and becomes stronger from it.
6. Procrastination is a thief and enemy that I've had to come face to face with and I will no longer let it stop me. I will no longer let the fear beat me.
7. I'm a strong and capable person.
8. I'm a blessing to people.
9. It's okay to be me.
10. I love my job.
11. I do have discipline and I do have a routine. I can do this. I can expand it to encompass all areas of my life.
12. I can do it.
13. I have a wonderful husband who puts up with my shit and is still there.
14. My family is my greatest gift.
15. God loves me even when I hate myself and he sees who I really am through it all.
16. I can trust God with everything and know He is there, doing the best for me.
17. I experienced the greatest joy, the greatest love, the greatest moments, the deepest pain, the hardest grief, lowest low and the highest high because of my beautiful Sarah, Katie and Amy. I wouldn't be the person I am today if not for them. I love them all dearly.
18. Dane is my anchor and continues to show me his love and strength through every day.
19. Prayers make a difference and have gotten me through everything,
20. Reina and Denise are my dear friends who I thank God for so much.
21. My parents are my heroes.
22. My brothers are my friends and always there for me.
23. My Lord truly is my life and I thank Him for all He's done for me.

The first moment I knew I was pregnant, I gave each of my daughter's to the Lord. I knew that I was given a wonderful gift to be their mom but they were only on loan to me for a short time. God was and has always been in control of them. He took Sarah and healed her 29 years ago. I've had Kate with me 28 years-she was God's gift to my broken heart. Amy has been with me for 21 years and made me laugh so much through the challenges. 

Another definition of careen is to put (a ship or boat) on a beach especially in order to clean, caulk, or repair the hull. Through the past year especially the past few months, the Lord has been cleaning, caulking and repairing me to face the future. It's not fun but it is a necessary part of life and I've been learning to let go and let God.