Doodledash

Right now everything is major and I know when I have some distance, it will be in better perspective but for now it sucks.  I am making progress with changes in my life which is awesome. I am being more diligent and doing things in a more timely manner. I am trying not to be mad at myself and to forgive myself. That is all good stuff. Other stuff though is making me very gggrrrrr. Amy came home and had to vent about school. I am glad she did so we could get some things resolved. I had to make a phone call and talk to her case manager about the fact that she did not have a para who was scheduled to be with her for her afternoon classes. The teacher who was supposed to be in charge of it forgot. It made me very angry and Amy was mad. It was uncalled for and it will not happen again.  There has been some definite communication issues in this family. Too many assumptions and too much defensive reactions. Too much walking on eggshells. Too much tension and stress. It is oo...

I have always liked the color yellow. My bedroom was a pale yellow growing up. My kitchen is a sunny happy yellow. I can't wear yellow it makes me look jaundiced. I do love the color though. In the English language, yellow is associated with jaundice and being cowardly. It is the second color in a stop light indicating caution. A coward is called a yellow belly. It is associated with aging with both people and paper. I feel yellow.Yellow in the way of being cowardly and cautious and old. I don't have the sunny happy yellow in me lately. I realized that I have been very impatient, snapping and reacting to everything. I do it without realized it. I even stopped talking for a while because I was walking on eggshells around myself. I didn't want to open my mouth and say something wrong. I have been really defensive and frustrated. Unlike this lovely flower picured above I feel all moldy and dark inside. It is quite unpleasant. Yesterday, I had a chat with ...

The past few weeks have been an enormous challenge for me. Stress has been a constant companion trying to catch me unaware and either kick me or bite me in the butt when I am not paying attention. Nasty stuff. There has been so much stuff happening that it has all piled up and it collapsed on me the other night.  I need to do a rundown of it to clear my mind... School started which is always a major hurdle. New paras, new teachers, new classes, the uncertainty is hard for Amy. Breaking in a group of people is hard because of her special needs. Thankfully one of her PCA's from the summer, Kris is working with her in school and she knows what to do. That was a blessing. Katie lost her job and is looking for a new one. She also moved in the midst of that. Money is a huge stresser for us all and it is hard not to get worried. Being a parent and watching your kids go through the hard times is just as hard as when I had to go through them for myself. I so want to spare her but that i...

Work has left my brain fried lately and I have had no desire to write. The thought will flit through my head and exit quickly. I have spent a lot of time on Facebook lately http://www.facebook.com/doodledash playing Farmville. It is fun but it causes me to waste a lot of time. I put myself on a self imposed fast of my computer for a day. I read something in a book that had a comment how technology is the new god. It hit home with me and I decided to pull back. I have pulled back a lot in the past few weeks with some stuff so I could get a fresh perspective on myself. I came to some hard but important truths that have made me do some restructuring. I have been diligently doing tasks for specified time periods-short ones. I find I have gotten a lot accomplished and it adds to my feelings of satisfaction. I am learning that I can get things done and it helps me build on improving things. Weight Watchers At Work was recently implemented at my job and I have joined the group. Yesterday wa...

I just watched or should I say fast forwarded through a movie called Smother. Diane Keaton, Liv Tyler, Ken Howard, Dax Shepard were the stars. I did not enjoy it at all. I hoped it would get better but it didn't. I do not recommend it. Point of this all is the plot sounded interesting, I like the stars, and I gave it a shot. It cost me a dollar. Thank goodness for Redbox. Smother is what I have been doing to myself for a very long time. I have done my best to be a people pleaser. I want to please and not upset. I therefore have been stifled by my own actions. I then get angry and resentful because I am not happy. I have learned to not communicate. I have smothered my emotions, my thoughts until I do not know what I genuinely think or feel about something. This fact causes no end of aggravation and argument because I cannot give a quick honest opinion and so I end up saying what I think wants to be heard and I get more frustrated and angry. I know that was a terrible run on sentence...

Another picture from Milwaukee trip. This is what we call an Uncle Bob shot. My brother Bob will pick up a camera and take a picture of himself. Many an unsuspecting person will get their pictures developed and find a grinning picture of Bob. It has happened to me over the years so any time we take a picture of ourselves it is an Uncle Bob shot. I was trying various ones to see how it would turn out through the dangling vines. This was the best one. My brother Bob is the strong silent one in my family. He keeps things to himself but he is always there for you and a wonderful loving man. I love him very much. When Sarah was in the hospital, I liked to sit with her at night when it was quiet. I sat in a rocking chair next to her bed. One night I was sitting there rocking and I looked up. There was Bob leaning over Sarah and gently stroking her hair with tears running down his face. He never said a word but I will never forget the love that I saw on his face that night. That was the ult...

I have my own personal commentarian in the form of my daughter, Amy. She loves to add her two cents to everything and has just got to know who I am talking to or what is happening. She is a younger version of yours truly. It is truly scary to see yourself in your kids but it was worse the first time I heard my mother's voice coming out of my mouth when I was talking to my kids. It shook me up for days. Last weekend my prince and I went on a weekend excursion to Milwaukee. We went to Miller Park and saw a Brewers game. Very nice park and it gave me a taste of what Target Field will be like when it opens next year for the Twins. We had great seats in row 8 next to the visitors dugout which was the Dodgers. One problem was the concern of foul balls and broken bats but thankfully we were any of them. We did a boat tour of Milwaukee which was nice and very touristy but I liked it anyway. We walked along the Riverwalk. Saw the Bronze Fonz. Visited the Three Domed gardens. It was a nice c...

A whisper in the breeze and a quiet question is asked...What will you do with what you have been given? What does that mean? What do you mean by what I have been given? Do you mean things? Talents? Time? Opportunities? Life? Which? What? Why? I sit at my computer typing. I play games. I read blogs. I read news. I read. I doodle on paint. I update itunes. I charge my touch or my phone. I sit and watch a movie or show or play a game on the wii. I read a book or the bible or a magazine. I take a nap. I clean or do laundry. I talk on the phone. I play with the dog. I talk to my kids or my husband. I go to target. I buy groceries. I cook dinner. I read this list and wonder this is this really my life. What happened to the fun? To the joy? Where did it go? When did I turn into this person I don't know or particularly like a lot? Where is the laughter? Where are the smiles? What happened to dreams? What happened to the spark of creativity? Is this blog it? I spend time existing. What will...

Ed McMahon died a few days ago. Farrah Fawcett died today. Then the biggest shocker of all, Michael Jackson. These are three people who have had or been a part of my life. Ed McMahon was Johnny's partner. There would have never been a "Heeeeerrrrreeee'ssss Johnny" without Ed. I used to stay up watching the Tonight Show when I was a kid and Ed was a part of it. I watched the Jerry Lewis telethon and Ed was there as a part of it. Publishers Clearinghouse. StarSearch. Ed was a part of it all. Farrah Fawcett was the toss the blond mane and shake it dream girl of everyone. Her smile on the poster, the red swimsuit, the flashing teeth and blonde hair made every boy drool and every girl dream. She was so cool, so Charlie's Angel. She was married to the Six Million Dollar Man and then divorced him and took up with his friend, Ryan O'Neal. Scandalous and delicious. Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, the cute little guy who could dance from the Jackson Five. Thriller, Of...

I have been really stressed at work lately. I like my job. I like helping people. I like to talk to them and help solve their problems. One aspect of my job is hard for me. I cringe and get tense everytime I have a certain situation. I dread the calls. It has really started to affect me negatively. I realized that I have to take control of the situation. I cannot let this dread and this fear paralyze me. It is such an awful feeling and it has to stop now. "This situation is unacceptable and I am going to beat it. I am going to beat it. I am going to turn this around and be the victor over it. I will not dread it. I will not be afraid of it. I can do this for myself. I have to do this for my family. I will make it and master it until it is natural for me." This is one of my new mantras.

I am full of questions tonight. Why do dogs turn in circles before they lay down? Does it somehow make it more comfortable? Why is Brett Favre's last name pronounced farve when it is spelle favre? Why does freshly mowed grass smell so good? Why does my dog always know what time I am coming home? One day I finally figured out it was the bird clock that alerts him of the time. Why is losing weight so darn hard? How come there is not some wonderful tasty food that has no calories and would help you lose weight? Why are people still so in love and enthralled with Obama as he keeps piling up this incredible debt and sellinbg our country down the river? Why do people like black licorice? Why is it possible to have baseball, football, basketball and hockey seasons all at the same time? Why does my husband zealously maintain control of the remote and dmoan and groan when he can't find it?

The anchor holds though the ship is battered...Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls all your waves and breakers wash over me. Psalms 42:7 Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers wash over me. I stand on the shore watching the tide come in. All the waves are rolling in and they batter the shore. They crash upon the rocks. The rocks stand up to their power. The rocks can't fight the power of the waves. Instead they stand there in the open, letting the waves wash over them smoothing out the roughness, removing the hard edges. The crushing power of the breakers wears down the harshness of the rocks leaving smoothly worn surfaces. The rocks can't fight the waves. It is impossible for them to get up and run away. The rocks must accept what is given them. The waves don't always batter and crash. Sometimes they gently slide over the surface gently caressing the rocks. Sometimes there is peace and a quiet. The rocks cannot know wha...

I love rocks. When people are traveling, I will often ask them to bring back a small rock for me. I don't know why. I just love rocks. This a picture at the start of Minnehaha Creek at the Grays Bay Dam on Lake Minnetonka. I love going fishing here and just sitting and watching. They got great rocks here and I love to watch the water rushing out of the dam onto the rocks. It makes me smile.

Memorial Day weekend we made a quick trip to Omaha for my nephew's open house. He graduated from high school. Amy stayed home with Katie and we all had some away time. It was good for all of us. Dane had a great time with the boys and I had a nice quiet time visiting and reading. It was short but very sweet. Amy loved the freedom and independence of a parent free, girls only weekend. I think Logan was the only one who missed us! Dane got to play Guitar Star or Rock Band on the Wii and showed everyone why he is not the lead singer of the Who! I had a shot at it and it is a lot harder than it looks. There was a high scoring game of Wiffle ball and Dane learned how to play lacrosse. I am very proud of myself because yesterday I got the closet in my kitchen cleaned out and reorganized. This is a huge accomplishment for me. I threw out stuff and the shelves are neat and clean. It made me feel pretty good. I have been to get something accomplished everyday and am doing it more than 50% ...

I watched Mamma Mia again tonight. It is a fun, enjoyable movie. The music is bouncy and great for singing along. It is bright and colorful. It has a great cast. Pierce Brosnan is not a singer but that is okay. He is easy on the eyes. I sat there thinking so many things. I have become so used to the way the world is. Babies are born without fathers and no one blinks an eye. I recently read unmarried mothers account for 40% of births these days. Alternate lifestyles are no big deal and are celebrated. The moral bonds that used to restrain things have loosened up considerably. I read something in a book that has made me think a lot. A man was feeding his goldfish and commented that to the fish, he is the god who gives food twice a day. I feed my daughter's fish twice a day. I clean the tank when it is dirty and scoop out the floaters when necessary. Whenever I come near, they rush up waiting for food. It may not be meal time but that is the conditioned response. I have been condition...

I am a person who has a more negative bent by nature although by the grace of God, He is working on that and I am changing. When you look at the world through rose- colored glasses, you see things in a way that is too optimistic and not real. When you see things through the gray lenses, you miss so many of the wonderful things that are out there because everything looks so dismal. I read a lot of very interesting things and have a great interest in paranormal things, things on the edge, conspiracy theory, and Biblical end time prophecies. I believe that we are living in very interesting times. One of the people who works with Amy was telling me about a priest that I am sure she fully expected me to have not a clue about who he was. When I told her I was familar with him and she expanded on her interests and discussion of things, she was very surprised that I was knowledgeable about strong spiritual and end depth matters. At a friends neighborhood party, I engaged one of the neighbors i...

Amy is home from school today. She has been restless and not sleeping well. Her leg has been very sore and aching. It has made her really uncomfortable and hurt. I loaded her up with ibuprofen and hope she will get some sleep this morning. She stayed home yesterday too and it was a pretty quiet day. We kept the tv off and relaxed. Yesterday was Dane's birthday. I gave him his gifts and then he realized I had forgotten one! Boy did I feel dumb! I had ordered a Twins hoodie for him and it was still in the package by the front door. He did open it and it is really nice. He even offered to let me try it on but he was not happy when I offered to wear when I went to Target. Mario Kart was on of his gifts from Amy. Oh, I forgot to mention that in the past week a Wii has joined our household. It is really fun. Wii Sports is the game included with it and we have played Tennis and Golf and Baseball on it. It is fun. I love the rumble feel you get using the control. One of the really fun thi...

It is a beautiful spring day here. I am cooking some green beans and feeding Amy. We are going over to my parents for dinner today and I am bringing beans. I want to wish everyone a very Happy and Blessed Easter. I want to thank my Lord for going through hell to get me to heaven. It is the greatest gift ever and I thank you for it. My dear husband has to work today so he will not be at dinner which makes me very sad. I will bring him some food but it is his presence that I will miss. Amy had fun looking for her Easter basket. I thought I had picked a bad location but it turned out to be a very good one. We spent 45 minutes looking for it before it was found. I had fun helping her and doling out hints along the way. Her basket contained an itunes card which was highly coveted! She goes through itunes cards frequently. She is one of their better customers! Reina--I hope your Easter turns out well and it is a peaceful day. Lynne--hope your mandatory attendance is appreciated. Destiny--han...

I was thinking about you this morning. I think about you a lot. You have a very special place in my life. You have been more than just my aunt. You have been my friend, my mentor, my confidante and my beloved aunt. You have been such a strength in my life and you are so important to me. I feel bad because I have not taken the time to come and visit you since you had your stroke. It is hard to think of you not being the same as I always remember you. Part of me wants to keep the memories I have now but that is not being fair. Amy was going out the door this morning and she told me how scared she was about going to the doctor. She was also concerned that she just couldn't do it-it being math, etc--all the work of school. She has been very overloaded and overwhelmed by stress from things going on in her life these days. I put my hand on her head and prayed for her. I prayed for clear thoughts and peace. I told her she doesn't to accept all the thoughts of fear. She needs to think ...

On Monday, a month after my friend Jone died, someone very precious to me swallowed a handful of pills and decided the world would be a better without her. She was under the impression that she was not loved and that she was wanted dead by those near and dear to her. I am very happy to say that she made a phone call which was a desperate call for help and she is still in the land of the living. I got a text message telling me that she had taken pills and to pray for her. I remember gasping and was choking on my sobs. I prayed and made some calls to find out what was happening. I was so shaken and so stunned that she would do that. I have had times in my life when death was something I craved. I understand the depths of the pain and wanting to be free of it. I have been there but I always knew I was loved and that my death would cause immense pain. I cried so hard that her life felt so worthless to her. I cried for the pain that we were feeling. I cried because it hurt so bad. Dane whis...