Doodledash

I watched Mamma Mia again tonight. It is a fun, enjoyable movie. The music is bouncy and great for singing along. It is bright and colorful. It has a great cast. Pierce Brosnan is not a singer but that is okay. He is easy on the eyes. I sat there thinking so many things. I have become so used to the way the world is. Babies are born without fathers and no one blinks an eye. I recently read unmarried mothers account for 40% of births these days. Alternate lifestyles are no big deal and are celebrated. The moral bonds that used to restrain things have loosened up considerably. I read something in a book that has made me think a lot. A man was feeding his goldfish and commented that to the fish, he is the god who gives food twice a day. I feed my daughter's fish twice a day. I clean the tank when it is dirty and scoop out the floaters when necessary. Whenever I come near, they rush up waiting for food. It may not be meal time but that is the conditioned response. I have been condition...

I am a person who has a more negative bent by nature although by the grace of God, He is working on that and I am changing. When you look at the world through rose- colored glasses, you see things in a way that is too optimistic and not real. When you see things through the gray lenses, you miss so many of the wonderful things that are out there because everything looks so dismal. I read a lot of very interesting things and have a great interest in paranormal things, things on the edge, conspiracy theory, and Biblical end time prophecies. I believe that we are living in very interesting times. One of the people who works with Amy was telling me about a priest that I am sure she fully expected me to have not a clue about who he was. When I told her I was familar with him and she expanded on her interests and discussion of things, she was very surprised that I was knowledgeable about strong spiritual and end depth matters. At a friends neighborhood party, I engaged one of the neighbors i...

Amy is home from school today. She has been restless and not sleeping well. Her leg has been very sore and aching. It has made her really uncomfortable and hurt. I loaded her up with ibuprofen and hope she will get some sleep this morning. She stayed home yesterday too and it was a pretty quiet day. We kept the tv off and relaxed. Yesterday was Dane's birthday. I gave him his gifts and then he realized I had forgotten one! Boy did I feel dumb! I had ordered a Twins hoodie for him and it was still in the package by the front door. He did open it and it is really nice. He even offered to let me try it on but he was not happy when I offered to wear when I went to Target. Mario Kart was on of his gifts from Amy. Oh, I forgot to mention that in the past week a Wii has joined our household. It is really fun. Wii Sports is the game included with it and we have played Tennis and Golf and Baseball on it. It is fun. I love the rumble feel you get using the control. One of the really fun thi...

It is a beautiful spring day here. I am cooking some green beans and feeding Amy. We are going over to my parents for dinner today and I am bringing beans. I want to wish everyone a very Happy and Blessed Easter. I want to thank my Lord for going through hell to get me to heaven. It is the greatest gift ever and I thank you for it. My dear husband has to work today so he will not be at dinner which makes me very sad. I will bring him some food but it is his presence that I will miss. Amy had fun looking for her Easter basket. I thought I had picked a bad location but it turned out to be a very good one. We spent 45 minutes looking for it before it was found. I had fun helping her and doling out hints along the way. Her basket contained an itunes card which was highly coveted! She goes through itunes cards frequently. She is one of their better customers! Reina--I hope your Easter turns out well and it is a peaceful day. Lynne--hope your mandatory attendance is appreciated. Destiny--han...

I was thinking about you this morning. I think about you a lot. You have a very special place in my life. You have been more than just my aunt. You have been my friend, my mentor, my confidante and my beloved aunt. You have been such a strength in my life and you are so important to me. I feel bad because I have not taken the time to come and visit you since you had your stroke. It is hard to think of you not being the same as I always remember you. Part of me wants to keep the memories I have now but that is not being fair. Amy was going out the door this morning and she told me how scared she was about going to the doctor. She was also concerned that she just couldn't do it-it being math, etc--all the work of school. She has been very overloaded and overwhelmed by stress from things going on in her life these days. I put my hand on her head and prayed for her. I prayed for clear thoughts and peace. I told her she doesn't to accept all the thoughts of fear. She needs to think ...

On Monday, a month after my friend Jone died, someone very precious to me swallowed a handful of pills and decided the world would be a better without her. She was under the impression that she was not loved and that she was wanted dead by those near and dear to her. I am very happy to say that she made a phone call which was a desperate call for help and she is still in the land of the living. I got a text message telling me that she had taken pills and to pray for her. I remember gasping and was choking on my sobs. I prayed and made some calls to find out what was happening. I was so shaken and so stunned that she would do that. I have had times in my life when death was something I craved. I understand the depths of the pain and wanting to be free of it. I have been there but I always knew I was loved and that my death would cause immense pain. I cried so hard that her life felt so worthless to her. I cried for the pain that we were feeling. I cried because it hurt so bad. Dane whis...

It looks like my oldest daughter has got herself a rat. I hate rodents. I hate them in any size shape or form. Her facebook page has a picture of her with this creature on her shoulder and she looks like she is whispering sweet nothings to it. Yuck. She has a cat so maybe the cat won't like the rat and the rat won't be able to take the cheese. Anyway, snow is melted most places. Warm was here for a while and then flew the coop. I am hoping it warms up this weekend because I have it off. I am in desperate need of some time off. I am trying to regroup from accumulated stress and tension in my life. Tomorrow is the last day of the week and I am looking forward to it. Relatives are visiting from Omaha for the Frozen Four tournament at the X. I look forward to visiting with them between the games. I hate mice. I hate rats. I hate meeses to pieces.

My ultrasound was normal and now I have to take some prilosec to see if it was stomach issues. Glad to get that news. American Idol is on right now. There are some really good singers on it. I like Danny a lot. They are singing Michael Jackson songs. I like his music just can't stand who he has become.

Tomorrow is going to be long day. I have to get a mammogram, a temporary filling filled, my teeth cleaned, the dog groomed and an ultrasound on my gall bladder/liver area. I have had pressure on the upper quadrant on the right side for quite a while. No pain just pressure and I promised myself after Jone died, there would be no more putting stuff off. I am getting it checked out. Problem is that I have been under serious attack with all the thoughts of what could it be and the battle against fear has been awful. I am scared but I need more to know what it is than to be afraid of it. I went to the doctor last week who said it could be gall bladder but who really knew so she did blood tests and wanted the ultrasound done to see what was there. I told my brother about it and he said the most wonderful prayer for me. It was what I needed to hear. I know that God is in control and I have to hang on to him. No more food for the night since you have to fast. Good night to all.

I have been in a training class at work this week and my brain is having some difficulties. It is overloaded and tired. I feel really sad today. I went on break and really missed Jone. It is weird how it's the little things that get you the most. It will get easier every day. I feel really fat. I am stopping the junk and the crap. I am going to exercise come knees or not. I am hormonal right now so, of course, that never makes things any better. I am not really hungry tonight. Food has no interest for me tonight. Nothing is real interesting for me tonight. I feel sad and worn out. I need the weekend. I need to smile right now but I can't find one at the moment. Good night.

I am never again going to wait for a better time. I am now going to do what I need to do NOW not the future. I am going to stop being afraid. I am going to say the things that need to be said. Dane--I love you. Thank you for the greatest gift I have ever received and that was your love. Your love helped me fulfill my deepest most heartfelt dream to be a mother. If not for you, I would not have our beautiful daughters. Thank you my dearest. Katie--You have brought me so much joy. I love you with all my heart. You were an answer to prayers that I didn't know I had. I am so proud of you and think you are truly an amazing woman. Amy--You challenge me in ways I never knew were possible. I love you so fiercely that it hurts. I am so proud of you. You have brought so much joy and laughter to my life that sometimes it hurts from laughing. You are truly an inspiration to me. Mom--You are such an amazing woman. I could not have a better role model, a better mom. You live your life in a way t...

I want to say that my dear friend, Jone, passed away this morning. Her body was just not strong enough to fight anymore and she died. I talked to a good friend of hers who was there with her. Paula said that all her family and friends were able to be with her which made me happy. Her cousin, who is a priest was able to be there and gave her last rites. When he said 'Amen,' she took her last breath. Paula said it was like she had been holding on and waiting for him. I had a dream this morning. I was at work and Jone came in. She was there to say goodbye. She told me it was time to leave. I walked around with her for a while as she talked to people and said her farewells and then it was my turn. She told me that it was time to go and hugged me. I didn't want her to leave. I didn't understand why she thought she had to go. I woke up thinking how real it had been. I wasn't able to get back to sleep so l laid there and prayed for Jone, her family and friends. When I got ...

Today I wrote in the guestbook of my friend Jone on her caring bridge site www.caringbridge.org/visit/jonefaroun1 and I didn't know what to say. I have tried several times to leave a message but it always sounded so phony. It is one thing to be tongue tied when speaking but when I am tongue tied writing then I know I have a problem. Anyway, I am waiting to watch the first part of the Top Chef finale which will start in a few minutes but I am going to have to record it because I need to watch Amy's hair. Dane is busy channel surfing and stopped on Shawshank Redemption for a moment. I really do need to watch that movie sometime. I keep hearing how good it is. It is supposed to be colder tonight and tomorrow. I thought the cold temps were done with and we were going to be having some more reasonable temperatures in the 30s. I do not like the cold single and teen digits we have had. It is suckyville . Reina is complaining about 50. Suck it up girl. I will take it anytime rain or...

Happy Valentine's Day. Thank you for being my strength and support. Thank you for your love and your laughter. Thank you for being patient. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being my helper. Thank you for being my husband and mate and the love of my life. I love you Dane. Happy Valentine's Day!

That line from the movie Network pretty much sums up myself at this moment. I have been full of turmoil and anger and frustration for weeks. It has been building to a crescendo and right now the fat lady is about to sing. My friend, Jone, has stage 4 uterine cancer. I have worked with her for 22 years and it has devastated me. I am finally able to not be a bawling blubbering pile of limp spaghetti. My family was afraid to talk to me because I would break down in tears at the smallest thing for the past few weeks. I can talk about her and the situation without steady tears which is a good thing. I love Jone. She is fun and crazy and listens. She always wanted a silver Jaguar so one year I gave her one for her birthday. I searched for a silver Jag and couldn't find one. I did find a blue matchbox car Jag so I bought it and painted it silver. I presented it to her on her birthday and she loved it. Sometimes Jone and her husband would play poker with some of our friends and she was so...

because I can't be the same person anymore. My life journey of the past few weeks has taken me on some difficult paths. A dear friend of mine who I have worked with for 20+ years was diagnosed with sarcoma of the uterus. It was an advanced case and she just had a hysterectomy two days ago. When I found out she had cancer, I felt like I had been sucker punched and couldn't think or breathe. It has shaken me to the core and in a way I never knew possible. My mortality suddenly reached out and slapped me hard across the face. I am not afraid to die. Death holds no fear for me. I have looked it in the eye and walked away from it. Sarah's death cured me of any fear I had. I have had many loved ones who have passed away and I have grieved their loss. Suddenly the possibility of one of my contemporaries, my friend, my cohort facing this horrible disease and losing her life to it became real. Grief is a companion that we all travel with at some point of our life. I am not real fond...

I like to have the last word. I have discovered it is a matter of pride. It just about kills me to not have the final say. I had a disagreement the other day with someone and it took everything I had to not push it as far I wanted to. Everything in me wanted to defend and explain myself but having been down this road in the past, I knew it was a useless endeavor. I have finally begun to learn that by my pushing, I just make things worse. I used to believe if I pushed it showed that I cared and wanted to have the issue confronted and corrected. You know what I found out, it just pisses people off and makes the situation worse. I guess this could be one of those examples of being wise in your own eyes. I thought if I backed down, I was giving in and losing. It turns out that by stopping, taking that deep breath and saying ok and walking away is not a sign of weakness at all. It just means my pride is bruised which really is okay because I can take it. I have hurt too many people that I l...

Logan doesn't speak my language. He speaks dog. He understands a few words of English but he is not fluent in it. I do not speak dog. I understand some of it. It is amazing how we can communicate with each other none the less. I will be in the middle of some important activity such as general relaxation or reading or watching TV. Logan will come over and plop a toy on my lap and sit there. He is quite patient and can maintain a stare for extended periods. If I don't move, he will come over and remind me that the toy is there. If I continue to ignore it, he will gently take my hand in his teeth and move it to the toy. If all else fails, he may hop on the chair and stand on my chest staring me in the eye and giving me a final chance before kissing me full on the lips. That is guaranteed to get a response. Logan makes his needs known and communicates them clearly. If my dog can communicate his point to me so clearly and easily, why can't I? I know that communication between in...

I had to get a root canal today. It was started at least. The dentist had a problem with the drill so we had to relocate to another room. I decided to take a picture of myself and this was the result. I need to return in two weeks to get the process finished. I have been very sore from it. I hope it improves the next few days.

I have a sore tooth today. I am extremely thankful for a high pain tolerance since the dentist is not open on Sunday and I don't want to today. Last night my jaw on the right was so sore. I was pushing on it and massaging it. It got bearable and I was able to sleep. This morning I bit on my right side and found a new ecstasy of undiscovered pain. I was able to isolate the tooth very quickly and have avoided using that side all day. The last few days there was an icky taste that I knew was tooth associated and for the past few weeks there has been some tenderness on the upper side. I wasn't able to pinpoint anything though until today. The major bummer is I think it is a tooth with a crown so that means it will need to be removed and some major digging involved. I am going to try and go to the dentist tomorrow. I already left a message and hope they take pity on me and squeeze me in. Amy is not feeling well so I am keeping her home tomorrow. It will be an interesting issue of ti...