Doodledash

I like to have the last word. I have discovered it is a matter of pride. It just about kills me to not have the final say. I had a disagreement the other day with someone and it took everything I had to not push it as far I wanted to. Everything in me wanted to defend and explain myself but having been down this road in the past, I knew it was a useless endeavor. I have finally begun to learn that by my pushing, I just make things worse. I used to believe if I pushed it showed that I cared and wanted to have the issue confronted and corrected. You know what I found out, it just pisses people off and makes the situation worse. I guess this could be one of those examples of being wise in your own eyes. I thought if I backed down, I was giving in and losing. It turns out that by stopping, taking that deep breath and saying ok and walking away is not a sign of weakness at all. It just means my pride is bruised which really is okay because I can take it. I have hurt too many people that I l...

Logan doesn't speak my language. He speaks dog. He understands a few words of English but he is not fluent in it. I do not speak dog. I understand some of it. It is amazing how we can communicate with each other none the less. I will be in the middle of some important activity such as general relaxation or reading or watching TV. Logan will come over and plop a toy on my lap and sit there. He is quite patient and can maintain a stare for extended periods. If I don't move, he will come over and remind me that the toy is there. If I continue to ignore it, he will gently take my hand in his teeth and move it to the toy. If all else fails, he may hop on the chair and stand on my chest staring me in the eye and giving me a final chance before kissing me full on the lips. That is guaranteed to get a response. Logan makes his needs known and communicates them clearly. If my dog can communicate his point to me so clearly and easily, why can't I? I know that communication between in...

I had to get a root canal today. It was started at least. The dentist had a problem with the drill so we had to relocate to another room. I decided to take a picture of myself and this was the result. I need to return in two weeks to get the process finished. I have been very sore from it. I hope it improves the next few days.

I have a sore tooth today. I am extremely thankful for a high pain tolerance since the dentist is not open on Sunday and I don't want to today. Last night my jaw on the right was so sore. I was pushing on it and massaging it. It got bearable and I was able to sleep. This morning I bit on my right side and found a new ecstasy of undiscovered pain. I was able to isolate the tooth very quickly and have avoided using that side all day. The last few days there was an icky taste that I knew was tooth associated and for the past few weeks there has been some tenderness on the upper side. I wasn't able to pinpoint anything though until today. The major bummer is I think it is a tooth with a crown so that means it will need to be removed and some major digging involved. I am going to try and go to the dentist tomorrow. I already left a message and hope they take pity on me and squeeze me in. Amy is not feeling well so I am keeping her home tomorrow. It will be an interesting issue of ti...

I play hide and seek all the time. I am tired of hiding. I want to stop being afraid for people to see me for who I am. I have decided to step out from the shadows and show more of me. This is me. Debbie. I like to read People and Us and Ok to see the latest gossip. I like to read trivia and nonsense. I read conspiracy sites. I get concerned for the future of our country and the people I love. I am interested in things on the edge--UFO's, paranormal, cryptozoology, etc. I like to look at things from a different angle. I like to know things. My husband likes to tease me about the fact that the things that interest and fascinate me are "chariots of the gods" stuff. So be it. I love my puppy. I love my daughters. I very much love and adore my husband even when he does give me a hard time. It makes me a better person. Most of all I love my God.

we're having a heat wave. it is 26 degrees which is 50 degrees warmer than it was a few days ago. we have a lot of snow this year and cold temps. it is different than the last several years. yesterday dane called me at work and said the power was off. it was getting to a point where it was getting a little cool and they were going to go somewhere to be warm. thankfully power came back on and that was not necessary. it has been a low key day. i took a nap and have not been real busy. i am feeling sad. i found out yesterday that a good friend of mine has cancer. i am dealing with the shock of it. i don't know how to deal with it. i can not imagine how it must be for her. i have been praying for her. that is all that i can do right now. reality can really suck sometimes.

Hey Reiden--thanks for the comment. I appreciate knowing you are reading. One of my dearest most wonderful aunts was my support and mentor for many years. She taught me so much and gave me a lot of strength. I have not knowingly set a lot of goals for myself in my life but as I write this I realize that I have had some goals. I was going to be a mentor to those who needed me. I would be there especially for anyone who had lost a child. I would be open and honest with what I have learned. I was willing to be vulnerable and hurt if that was what it took to help someone. I had looked evil in the eye and knew that it would never have victory over me. I wanted others to know that the battle is hard but it is worth it. I made a decision as a young child to give my life to the Lord. I have had my moments of waywardness and rebellion. I have had my moments of doubt. I have had my moments of hopelessness and despair but the one thing that I have always known is the fact that I was never alone. ...

This is the chorus to the song in the title of my blog, "Lord move in a way, that I've never seen before Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore So Lord move (move), or move me." Well as I mentioned in my previous blog, I had an awakening and it was the result of being moved like I have not been moved in a long time. I have been dealing with massive frustration with myself because I wanted to change so badly but I just couldn't do it. I want the change to be immediate. I hate the thought that it takes time so I give up in frustration. Definition of frustration: A deep and chronic sense of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs. I read last month and for the first time I took a hard look and began to look at what was causing my frustration. In fact, it was reading this that really intensified my prayers that the Lord would move. You know how you c...

Tonight I had one of those moments that stick with you forever. It is when something so dramatic happens that your life changes. I had my eyes opened and the blinders were removed. I saw how much I have run away and avoided and procrastinated. I have been so afraid that I will just ignore a situation so it will go away. I saw first hand how my example has affected my daughter. She was mirroring my behavior totally. It upset me so much I had to go into the basement to be alone. I started sobbing at the pain that I felt and the overwhelming memories of things that I have done. It was awful but it was also very healing. I am not sure where I go from here but I know that it is UP!

Holidays can be sad. I never was aware of this fact growing up but I learned it when I became an adult. When my daughter died before Christmas, it was a very dark and dismal time. It was the first and only time I never had a Christmas tree. Celebration was not big on my to do list that year. I have had other loved ones who passed on near Christmas since that time many years ago. None though have ever been as difficult. I have had other sad times due to those who have chosen not to be part of the family get togethers and those have left me feeling empty. I am afraid that habits have now been formed and they may not be easily broken. Last year was a really hard time because there was family difficulties that caused some very strained relationships. I had a lot of tears both on Christmas and my birthday from that strain. I am happy to say that those are now in the past and there was a lot of love and joy this year. I hope everyone will take a moment to realize that life is too short and t...

A new year is approaching. I want to set some goals for myself. Not resolutions cuz I never keep the damn things but maybe just maybe if I make them goals I will be able to achieve them. I live with a certain person who shall remain unnamed who is a member of the Language Police. Anytime words of a certain kind are said, I hear a loud reprimand. I am going to try hard to use these words less frequently especially my all time that is spelled S-H-*-T. (if I spell it, she won't yell, NOT) I am going to put things away. I am going to tackle a chore every day. I am going to spend less time picking my nose. I am going to tell more people I love them. I am going to appreciate myself for who I am. I am going to stop listening to the lies. Well now that I have set my goals. I have one more. I am going to try very hard to write in my blog on a more regular basis. I put a counter on my blog to see if anyone really looks in on it besides Reina and obviously someone does cuz it would not be at ...

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I find that I don't always have good coping skills. If I am nervous or worried, food is a great comfort. I will pace and sit down at the computer. I will try to write or read. I will try to play a game on my DS. I will turn on the TV and channel surf. I did a search on coping skills and found some good suggestions to help cope with stress. 1. Play some music which is appropriate for your mood. 2. Do something to distract yourself and get involved. Take a walk, clean your house, tackle that closet or drawer that you have avoided. TV and computers are too passive and don't work. 3. Make use of those cell phone minutes, give someone a call. Make the time to make the call that you are always going to do when you have time. 4. Pray. God loves to listen and he doesn't tell you to shut up. 5. Breathe deeply and focus on your body. 6. Scream. 7. Take a hot shower. 8. Clean out your purse. 9. Go to your happy place and take a nap. 10. Pick your nose. Just wanted to be sure you were ...

I have written in my blog about a hundred times in my head but apparently it has been a month since my last entry. Time sure goes fact when you think you are writing. We have painted our living room. It is the first time it has been a plain solid color. It is quite a change. We have either had printed wallpaper or sponged walls. Amy thinks it looks like an old couples color, Katie added to it by saying it looks like a nursing home. Such enthusiasm and raves will totally underwhelm me. Logan has been chewing on his back paw all day. I can't find anything there and he doesn't flinch in pain. I will need to call a vet tomorrow to see what they recommend. I hope he is ok. Project Runway finale is on in a few minutes. I really like that show. It is fun. Kenley is a bitch though. I like Leanne. I think Kenley might win though. I love Tim Gunn. Survivor is on tomorrow night. I love Survivor. It is set in Gabon, a country in Africa. They bill it as Earth's last Eden. It is totally ...

This is my current Cactus Dude. He had a long drive to San Francisco this summer. His hat was ripped but it lasted for more than 2500 miles before it disappeared in Yosemite. I have had various cactus dudes of varying colors for many years. I can always find my car because of my cactus dude. I also have a Wilson antenna topper which I got from Blockbuster a long time ago. Wilson was the ball from Castaway with Tom Hanks. I like my cactus dudes and Wilson and the Spam ball on my husbands car. It is easy to find our vehicles and it makes me happy. I discovered when my oldest daughter got her own car that a cactus dude was not her idea of fun even though she does have Wilson. She had tolerated mine for years and I think she was glad to be free of them when she had the opportunity. Quirks are a big part of me. I like quirks. Quirks set you apart from the crowd and I am proud of mine. Be it chariot of the gods, cactus dude, wilson, plastic ware, or words. They are mine and help me to be me.

I had a pair of docksiders that were my all time favorite shoes. I loved them. They were my daily companions and I wore them everywhere. I have never been a shoe person. I have thick square feet and it is hard to find shoes that are comfy. I always dreaded looking for shoes. When I was in high school, some girls who I really liked and wanted to be friends with wore docksiders. I liked how they looked and I wanted to be part of the group. I never was part of the group I was on the outskirts of a lot of groups including theirs. After I graduated from school, I saw some shoes and they fit! I was so excited and I bought them. I felt confident and cool and great withthem on my feet. They were my ruby slippers. I wore them for years and they eventually wore out. I mourned their demise. I found out later that my sister-in-law hated my shoes. She hated the worn down crummy way they looked and was so thrilled to hear that they were gone. I didn't care what anyone thought about my shoes ...

My friend's brother is dying from cancer. She went to see him last night and said he doesn't look good. Her sister-in-law said that she doesn't think he will last very long. He is in great pain and has faded into a gaunt shadow of his former self. The wonderful part of this awful experience is the fact that after several years of avoidance, her brother and his wife contacted my friend and re-established their relationship. She has been able to spend the past several months getting to know him and having the joy of memories to cherish. There was anger and resentment that caused the rift in the relationship. The saddest part is that she never knew the reason for the antagonism. She tried to reach out but if the other hand is not extended there is nothing to grasp. Seven years were wasted that can never be recovered as a result of the nonsense. My husband's extended family had rifts throughout the various branches. I thank God that his dad and mom refused to allow the pois...