Doodledash

One of the definitions of careen is  something that's teetering from side to side. This pretty much describes where I am and where I've been for a long time. I woke up this morning with these thoughts bouncing through my head and feeling the need to write them down. I am angry right now because the imagined control I have of my life has been torn to shreds. Several days this past month I started out the day in the usual manner and it quickly becomes something else. It becomes something unexpected, scary, and uncontrollable.  My life has careened out of control-a control which I never had-but God does. Being angry makes it easy for me to list out all the reasons why this has been a sucky year-it would be as long as my arm-but that doesn't do any good. I acknowledge the anger and the fear and the difficulty. It's hard to go through these challenges and not want to run away. I have actually run away in my dreams and I've withdrawn which is not doing me...

I started this blog nine years ago. I reread a lot of them and was surprised by a variety of things. The most constant mention was the pain of losing my daughter in 1985. I used this blog to heal. I see the pain I've experienced over the years and the challenges I've faced. The question I needed answered and to honestly acknowledge was also glaringly clear to me. I'm at a crossroad and I need to make some decisions which will determine the next chapter of my life.

This morning I looked in the mirror Expecting teo see my brassiere But my eyes came to rest On my belly undressed As big as a blimp named goodyear. Needless to say when I saw my belly the size of a blimp, it was a slap on the face. I weigh more now than I have in my whole life and I am not happy about it. I've got all sorts of excuses I can use--I've had a lot of stress which is true--it's been more stress than I've had to deal with in a long long time. My mother-in-law was hospitalized with a staph infection and we didn't know if she'd live or die. She survived it but was in a nursing home rehab for several weeks.  My oldest daughter got married. My youngest daughter was having a lot of difficulties with different issues and that made me really stressed. My husband was dealing with the burden of making decisions for his mom and dealing with his mom. She has never been an easy person ever. One of my daughter's caregivers had family and health ...

I am very angry right now. My daughter is getting married in a few weeks and she doesn't have the money to pay for it. She asked to get cash instead of the gift we were planning on giving. She wants to pay for the food with the money. I really wanted to give her the gift we selected. It was important to me. We're already paying for the photographer. I paid for my own wedding. Why can't she? There was no planning or saving for the wedding. It was decided to do it once a law passed. It had to be done then. I don't understand why there wasn't any planning or saving for it. It's caused a lot of stress for my family. I know she's stressed and that's why she asked for the cash. Am I overreacting? I feel cheated and disrespected. It's not fair.

Tonight I cried for the passing of my youth, for the passing of childhood, for the passing of time. I cried for the passing years of my kids childhood, for the memories of joy and tears, for the changing. I'm not young anymore. I still have dreams buried somewhere. It's all passing so fast. Where am I going? Where am I going to be? I wish I knew.

Empty beds. Twenty empty beds. Twenty empty rooms. Twenty empty homes. Now there is less laundry. Less dishes. Less meals. Less mess. An empty bed. An empty room An empty home. An empty heart. Tears are collected by God. Tears for the empty beds. Tears for the empty lives. Tears for the empty hearts. Mommy cry. Let your tears wash away some grief. Daddy cry. Let your tears wash away some pain. Sister cry. Let your sobs cleanse some of your wound. Brother cry. Let your sobs empty some of the ache. Tears are a path to heal. Tears are a cleansing wash. But tears dry Still leaving an emptiness. One day your smile will return. One day the cherished memories won't hurt. One day the pain will be less. And one day your empty heart will start to heal. But today let the tears come. Today let the grief be. Today let the heart cry Because today there's an empty bed.

time passed so slowly when you died. it caused me pain to breathe from sobbing so hard. i wanted time to end. time didn't end. it dragged me along until i was numbed from the pain. being numb helped for a while until it wore off like Novocaine and i was left with an ache in my heart. many years have now passed and the pain is gone except for those momentary flareups. today it ached again and the pain was anew tears flowed and washed it away. until next time. and time again. and time again.

I love that song. Today is a Thursday and it's not rainy. It's cloudy and in the forties. I've had a sinus infection all week and I went to work today. I had a head full of snot. It was gross. I kept blowing my nose. It filled up after five minutes. Where does all that snot come from? I couldn't suck it in so I had to blow and it just sounded disgusting. My head has dried up for the moment thankfully and my ears aren't plugged. My dear friend is having a hard time and feeling blue and cornered. Lord please give her a boost and shine some special sunshine into her life right now. Pour out some blessings on her. She needs it and she has been such a blessing to me. Please hug her Lord and make her smile. Amen.

So today is December 1 and it occurred to me to start writing my blog again. I'm feeling particularly honest today and confession is good for the soul. I have my keyboard -bluetooth on, my iPad, my TV tray, my bowl of byerlys wild rice soup, a glass of chocolate milk and inspiration. I'm ready.  There will be one person for sure, at least I think so, who will read this. Everyone else has pretty much abandoned it because I did not write. I love ya Reina. Thanks for not giving up on me. I love wild rice soup. It's one of my comfort foods. I discovered it when I was first married and have loved it ever since. It's one of those tasty delights that leaves you wanting to lick the bowl to get every last drop of good. I often do it and plan on doing it shortly. Mmmm.  Smooth creamy texture and those crunchy distinctive wild rice nuggets are a heavenly concoction. Ham and carrots round out the and fill in the taste gaps. My dog is a wonderful teacher and I a dil...

the wall that time built....... brick by brick brick by brick brick by brick i still could see you and ignored the wall. brick by brick brick by brick brick by brick i could still see you and ignored the wall. brick by brick brick by brick brick by brick i can't see you very well because of the wall. brick by brick brick by brick brick by brick i walked up to the wall and examined it. on each brick was a word. anger by hurt tears by rejection misunderstanding by resentment unforgiveness by pain i leaned against the wall and cried. brick by brick.

I believe in this thing called life we're all assigned our own little corner of hell to live through to help define the person we are and will be. It's not a case of feeling sorry for myself, although, an occasional pity party can work wonders. It's more how we face it, how we adapt to the situation that God has given us. I Cor 10:13 says  The only temptations that you have are the same temptations that all people have. But you can trust God. He will not let you be tempted more than you can bear. But when you are tempted, God will also give you a way to escape that temptation. Then you will be able to endure it. My saturation and endurance point is at the zenith and I'm standing about to crumble. It's so hard for me right now. I called to talk to my mom today because she is one of the few people who will listen and has a good perspective of the situation. I wanted to run away from home today but I couldn't because I didn't have my own car. I borrowed s...

Metamorphosis crept upon me and overtook me without my realization. By the time I was aware it was too late and the change had already begun. I realized it when I had the inner groaning which occurs when I am going through the process of growth. I picture myself as a butterfly as it is struggling to get out of its cocoon. Once I emerge I will have passed through another stage another time of growth but in the meantime it hurts. My friend told me I am strong. I feel no strength right now. Any strength is from a source outside of myself. Within myself I am weary and heavy laden wanting to rest, to have quiet slumber and a time of regeneration.  I have such a deep longing, a yearning in the depths of my soul but I can't find what I search for and so I try to fill it with books, movies, tv, music but none of them quiet the struggle or quell the storm. My friend asked for my favorite quote and I swiftly wrote it down. I discovered when I was twelve or thirteen. It is from the Road Le...

Amy is graduating next week. I find it overwhelming, amazing, inspiring, incredible, fabulous, intimidating and very scary. She was just a baby and now she is going to put on the cap and gown she got yesterday. Wow, where did the time go?  When I was pregnant with her I knew in my heart that she was going to have some challenges. I felt that she was probably going to have the same disability as Sarah and when it was confirmed it was a very hard day. I knew my life was going to change forever and at least had an idea of what it would be like because of Sarah. When she was born with Arthrogryposis I was ready and braced myself for it. God in his grace and mercy had some wonderful surprises for us though. He hooked us up with a fabulous woman in the hospital who told us about some new programs to help financially which changed our life. I had hope. It was liberating. Amy came home and was a spitfire from the start. This girl had such fire and such determination it blew me away. Sh...

Abandoned. Lost. Cast adrift on a sea of lethargy. I quit. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself? Luke 9:25 I have always thought of the losing or forfeiting yourself to be a spiritual eternal loss. I never thought that it could be applied to myself right now in the current reality of my life. I heard someone telling her story that she had to quit her church-which was a brave thing to do because she was the pastor's wife and the church was her life. She had reached a point of burn out, a place where she found she had lost herself. She did not know who she was and could no longer live with the way her life had turned out. She needed to pull back and leave to be healed. I have poured myself into my family, my job, helping other people, worrying and being afraid. I was afraid to say no. I was afraid of conflict. I was afraid of rocking the boat. It was easier to be compliant and complacent. Guess what? I am miserable and I d...

market structure owned and controlled by one seller according to the daughter who is doing vocab for her very boring Econ class. It is a required course this year and maybe the school is under the delusion that if the class is required some day in the future these students will be able to solve problems that we cannot currently solve.  Fat chance based on the class that she is in. The class is so awful the teacher can't handle it. What does this say about the state of our educational system? Survivor is on tonight. Hip hip hooray. It is my favorite show. I am trying to get inspired before the show so I know what to write about it. I run a fantasy game of Survivor and always write an update of the show. Maybe I will post it or a past one so it can be enjoyed by all. I don't know how kids can carry backpacks today and not suffer permanent damage. Amy's is so bloody heavy it can hardly be picked up. Thankfully it hangs on her wheelchair and I only have to hoist it on once ...

Fire. Burn. Fire. Flames. Papers. Burn. We had fire outside and burned some wood and Amy's papers from last year. Her junior papers went up in flames. C'est la vie. Here today and gone tonight. I am tired. Down. Tanked and going to bed.

We went out to dinner to our favorite restaurant tonight, QCumbers is a great place to bring the family. It is inexpensive, good deal for the dollar, family friendly,  with wonderful crew of people especially Kari and Bonnie. We have been going there since July 17, 1993. It is our favorite as I said. There is an all you can eat, help yourself til you burst salad bar, dessert, entree, ice cream, fruit, etc bar. Enough to satisfy the most finicky and hungry person. Enough for the sponsor. So we are chowing down the salad and the assorted food stuffs, Kari comes over to say hi. We chat and reminisce and the husband likes to bring up his favorite subject--our my mom mentions bowel movements or intestinal issues during dinner. Now he loves to tell this story all the time at dinner. Do you think one of these days it will dawn on him that he is much worse than she is? Probably not. After being fully sated we say goodbye to the girls and head home. Night time has a chill in the air and...

"MOTHER ANNE!" I knew I was in deep shit when she called me that. Sometimes it is because I said a bad word, sometimes it is because I have done something she deems 'inappropriate' sometimes it is just cuz it so much fun to tease her. The day has been pretty normal with no great catastrophe as of yet. Just your normal wake up, roll her over, pour food in the bag, leave, get dressed, come back, get her dressed progression and hope she wakes up once I get the clothes on and put her in the sling and into the wheelchair. It does help to have some semi conscious state when I put the contacts in because closed eyes don't maintain soft contacts well. The lenses tend to stick to the eyelids and vision is dark and blurred. Anyway, back to the Mother Anne bit. I had mentioned Sven and Ole when she said something and it produced a glare which we affectionately call "stink eye" and the exclamation. My daughter is a constant source of entertainment for me and I ...

A week ago I was struggling fiercely with a multitude of issues and drowning. Today the issues are still there but I am not struggling. I know what they are. I can feel them. I decided that I can't take responsibility for them and so I don't have to be overwhelmed by them. I am very thankful that I have pushed through them. My daughter got engaged a few days ago. I was surprised by it and it is not real easy for me. I love her with all my heart but I don't support the choices that she has made. I have and I continue to learn to walk in love and to not condemn those who believe differently than myself. It is a challenge for me and I am a work in progress. I do very much love you honey and I will always be there for you no matter what. I am proud of you for the woman that you are and I have great respect for you. My ultimate wish is for you to be happy. I do love Mackenzie. I love you Kate.

One of the definitions of wallow is To luxuriate; revel: as in wallow in self righteousness. I have not been wallowing in self righteousness at the moment but I have been a wallower of the first order. I have been wallowing in self pity, pain, anger, frustration, helplessness, discouragement, fear, and a host of other shades of dark. It has been one of the most miserable times of my life. I have felt like I was walking on the edge of darkness and felt like the ground was going to give way and I would collapse into its toxic hold. I did a lot of praying and crying. I had a lot of prayers from family and friends that helped push me through it. It is because of the grace of God and his protection that I got through the Valley of Shadows. I felt the sunshine on my face this morning as I climbed out of it and it was raining but what a beautiful rain. God in his mercy and love, though I do not understand it, allowed me to make this dark journey and walked along side of me the whole way....