Doodledash

Today I saw a tattered ragged heart. I didn't want to see it. It made me cry. I couldn't look at it closely. I had to turn my back. I saw it in a blur. It hurt. I hurt. My heart cried for it. Tonight I begin the wait.

I have been full of ideas and wanted to write all day. Now that I have a chance, I don't know what to say. I am sitting at the computer in the basement listening to the dryer tumbling and I'm waiting to hang my husband's work pants. They will take about 15 minutes to dry so that is my deadline. I was talking with a friend the other day and my mom was mentioned. She asked if I have always been close to her. I told her that I have and she said that she is close to her mom too. Later my husband and I went to dinner and we were talking about my daughter. I had been thinking about her a lot and I said how much I miss her. I almost started crying. I always thought we would be close because moms and daughers have always been close in my family. I assumed the same would go for me. Unfortunately, that is not the case and it can be really hard at times. Trace Adkins sang a song called You're Gonna Miss This. It talks about the everyday parts of life with your kids that you are on...

Shaken not stirred. Vodka martini. Bond. James Bond. Cool. Super cool. I am not James Bond or Jamie Bond or even close to the persona. I am shaken. I am stirred up. I am worried and nervous. I feel overwhelmed. Life has been hitting us with the punches. One. Two. One. Two. I am still standing. My feelings are not my reality. My faith is my reality. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. In my reality, what I feel may want to push me to the edge but my faith grounds me and the roots hold me solid. I am shaken. I am stirred. And I still keep on going. and going. and going.

You were sad. I could see it in your face. I heard it in your voice. I cared. I wanted to make you smile. I sent you a card. I told you I cared. I told you I was a friend. I didn't sign my name. You mentioned it when you got it. You made a point of talking about it. You made a point of showing your disdain. You didn't hide your disgust. You were making a point. I got the point. I learned. I never did it again. You won but you lost.

I am trying so hard to figure out something witty and wonderful to write to start out the year with a laugh. I can't think of anything. The well is dry. My husband is doing his usual shrill and loud voice that he uses with his brother. I can always tell when he is talking to him. The voice and behavior and attitude slide back to boyhood and he becomes Mr. tryasicantobegoofyandiusuallysucceedatit. It can be whimsical and bring a smile to me for two minutes and then it gets annoying. I love both Dane and Mark but they are totally immature when they are on the phone. The longer they talk the louder the volume gets on this end. I guess the older that Mark gets, the worse his hearing becomes so Dane needs to speak up so he can hear it. Oh oh. The phone is about to die. It is beeping. Thank the Lord for small blessings. Dane is planning our summer excursion to San Francisco and is slowly making me nuts. I want the plans finalized so I can live in peace and quiet for a while. Go go go is ...

Did you know there is a Hong Kong Disneyland? I just learned that on the Travel Channel while my spousal unit was surfing. My daughter learned in Health today that one of the reasons for teen pregnancy is the fact that only 2% of parents talk to their kids openly about the facts. That blew me away. I am one of the 2%. I like Cary Grant and George Clooney and Gregory Peck and Cary Grant and Tom Selleck and David Cassidy and Cary Grant. Some very tasty morsels in the male of the species. Did you know that crocodiles swallow large rocks and they are permanently in their stomach? Maybe they use them for ballast. I didn't know that deers dislike sweet smelling plants like lavender or sage or rosemary. Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. Vaseline, chili powder, cinnamon, and boric acid, which can be used to block an ant trail entrance. I guess they probably wouldn't like jalapenos either. Dandelions reproduce without fertilization. They clone themselves! I guess that pistil and stamen...

I used to love it when I was a very young kid. Very young. Black licorice whips were wonderful things. Heaven sent and into my tummy. At least I have vague thoughts of it. One day I went into the bedroom where my little brother slept. He was still in a crib. I liked the crib. It was fun to grab the bars and shake the sucker. It made good wobble sounds. It was especially fun when my brother was in it because he sometimes liked it and sometimes didn't. When he howled in laughter, I would shake it extra hard but it also drew unwanted attention from the mom. Anyway, the room was empty and I was about to leave when I spied a goodie! It was some licorice. Black licorice. Nummy. It was under the crib so I crawled under to get it. I didn't know about the five second rule at that time. I don't think it was even invented yet. I scrounged the tasty treat and sat for a minute nibbling. I wanted to hoard it and not share but the mom had stressed the importance of sharing. If she found m...

I was trying to get the roll of toilet paper off the top shelf of the cupboard over the toilet. I did not want to drop it. I have had to fish too many things out of the bowl and it is always such an unpleasant experience. One time I was brushing my teeth and instead of putting the brush in my mouth it went sailing and did a perfect swan dive into the drink. I thankfully had gloves around for that one. This time I avoided dropping the tp into the water. I was so happy until I bumped something which caused three things to plummet. I caught one, the other hit the floor, but the cherry blossom body scrub hit the target. Plunk and dunk. I said my favorite s word and Amy, language police that she is yelled. I told her what happened and she stopped her scolding. It was her cherry blossom scrub. I told her that she had a choice to keep it or toss it. She shuddered and told me to 86 it. When I was growing up, my mom had a metal 2 cup measuring cup by the tub for rinsing hair. I heard splashing ...

Why is it that I cry in my dreams for you? My tears are many and flow as a waterfall. I call and reach for you. I grasp nothing but air. Though I dream and think you are real. It is just air. Just love. Just love. Reach out and just love. All I want is you. Nothing else. Just you. Reach out and just love. With open arms. With faith. Just love and one day you will be in my arms. Real. Not air.

broken. hurting. sadness. tears of despair. deep sighs. God uses whatever we give him. He takes the broken pieces and puts them back together in a new and glorious way for His use. letting go. giving up. lifting up. Take it and do you need to do. I can't do it on my own. Do it. Please. Free me from the past and give me a new future. right now. your way. step by step with your help. You are my everything. I can do it all with your help. Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.

Well she is gone. Her bed is gone. Her clothes are gone. Her room is still a disaster but her primary essentials are now gone. I went in her room to turn off the lamp and it was empty. My mom told me the first to leave the nest is the hardest. I have been working on this for four years since Kate first went to Italy. I have piece by piece been trying to cut the cord. Letting go is really hard. It really sucks. I've held on to her so tightly that I have smothered her. The crazy things you do for love. It was all done out of love just came out half assed backwards. I had to let go of Sarah and I wasn't real thrilled with the outcome. I have let go of Kate because she has her own life to live. I have to step into a new role as Mom and it all new territory for me. I am sorry for putting so much responsibility and so many expectations upon your shoulders. I hope that your kids turn out half as wonderful as you and your sister because then you will be a success. Happy Birthday Kate.

Well today my daughter moves into her first apartment. It is generating some deep sighs within me. I will miss her very much. She has been weaning us by not being around much and I know it is time. She will turn twenty-one tomorrow so it is a very appropriate time for her to leave. She is really excited about it. She is going to live a few miles from home so it won't be far away. She will be close enough to bring her wash home and nab food when needed. I am very thankful that she isn't moving to another state. It could be much harder. I remember the moment when I called and got the test results from the doctor. I was at a pay phone in a mall and I stood there in shock. It was a big surprise and my first thought was "I give you this child Lord. Thank you for this little one within me." I can't believe that was 21 years ago. It is amazing to look back and see the swift flight of time. She has grown into a wonderful, fun and loving woman who brings me great joy. I lo...

when I was young and ignorant that I would get married and live happily ever after. I dreamed that I would meet my Prince Charming and he would save me from the world. He would solve all my problems and life would be wonderful. I did meet my prince but his name wasn't Charming. It was Dane. He didn't solve all my problems and life wasn't always wonderful. He didn't save me from the world but he helped me to learn to save myself along with a lot of help from God. Along with my thoughts of Prince Charming, I thought I could have whatever I wanted too. I had grown up the only girl and the oldest of several brothers. I had learned how to control and manipulate them from a young age. Queen Me controlled the TV, had willing slaves who waited on me and always got up when I entered the room so I could sit in my favorite seat. They were well trained. One day I opened my mouth and bragged that I could get them to do anything I wanted. My brother who was helping me at the time, st...

I was a blushing bride.

This was a paper written by my daughter when she was in 4th grade for a report. She wrote about herself and her thoughts at that time. It speaks for itself. I was born with a disease called Arthrogryposis. My mom had to have a c-section when I was born because the doctors knew I was probably going to be disabled and it was the safest way for me to be born. I had to stay in the hospital for three weeks until the doctors knew I was strong enough to go home. Arthrogryposis is a fairly rare disease. It comes from a Greek term which means hooked or curved joints. The joints become very stiff and form contractures. Muscles become weak and don’t develop the right way. All the joints in my body have been affected by it. I can’t hold my head up because my muscles are too weak. I am not able to move my arms or legs very much. I can’t run or walk and need to be in a wheelchair to get around. Most of the time Arthrogryposis doesn’t occur again in the same family. It usually isn’t a genetic disease...

There have been so many times in my life when I have been unhappy with myself and I have desperately wanted to change. I have found myself shedding tears out of total frustration because no matter how hard I tried, I just wasn't able to change. I didn't know how to do it. I have finally discovered the secret to the impossibe. I have to change my thinking and my long established habits. I have to speak positively and think of the way I want to be. When I find myself being negative, I have to stop myself and interrupt the thought. I have to say I am doing this, I have changed, I am a different person. Words of faith and changing my thoughts are the secret.

Have you ever considered what the world looks like from a wheelchair? It is a difficult and challenging view. Steps, curbs, doorways, bumps, sidewalks, sand, rocks, and mud are often impassable challenges. Steep grades and bumpy roads make driving hard. On my side of the family, my daughter is only able to visit my parents home. It is the only one that she can get into fairly easily. I have six brothers and she has never visited their homes because she can't get into the houses. There are no ramps and it is too hard to carry her and her chair anymore up steps. Doorways are narrow and there is little room in a house for a wheelchair. She has been able to visit her uncle in Omaha but he has several stairs inside his home that always stress me. Her grandma lives in a first floor condo that is wonderful and accessible for her. Traveling is always an adventure. You get very creative and you plan your destination and trips well. It makes life much easier to know that you can get somewher...

I find it is very easy for me to preach. I often end up preaching or lecturing to my family when I want to make a point. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. I don't mean to do it, it just ends up coming out the mouth. My youngest will get this look on her face and I realize that I have started in and she is more than happy to tell me that "I am boring her" and I better quit while the getting is good. The past few months have been really hard for me--emotionally, spiritually, and every which but loose. I have prayed for a long time to have the Lord change my heart and He has. I just didn't expect it to hurt so much. I have bombarded on all fronts and had to learn some hard facts about myself that I could no longer avoid. I am not always flexible. I am not always open minded. I am not always wrong. I am not always right. I have hurt the ones that I love by my attitudes. I have compromised with things and now I am paying the price. It is true that you reap what you sow.

One day we all die. We all leave something of ourselves behind with those we've touched. What kind of heritage do I leave behind for my family? What have I done? What have I given? What have I lived? What will there be from me?I am not sure what it will be but I will tell of the heritage that I have been given from those who have meant so much to me. Grandma Doll showed me that God was real and that He answers prayers. I learned that I can pray about anything and that He was there with me. Grandpa showed me that he loved me. He taught me how to pitch a baseball. I remember that better than anything else. He made me feel important and worthwhile. Grandma Joyce gave me lollipops. She gave me books. She gave me warm hugs and wonderful baking smells. We played games. When I was with Grandma, I learned to have fun and be practical. I learned about life. Grandma never let her disability stop her. She kept on going and persevered. Carolyn gave me laughter. Phyl opened my eyes to the possi...

I like to set the time on the clock ahead several minutes. Two out of the three clocks that are my primary time source are set fast. The bird clock is 12 minutes fast and I use that to warn me when I need to get Amy ready in the morning. The clock in the van is 23 minutes fast. I like 23 minutes. It is my little trick on time that helps me enormously or at least I think it does. It makes everyone else crazy and they constantly comment about it. I don't care. I just laugh it off and tell them tough luck. Live with it. Today when I was driving to work, I thought about the comments my brother-in-law had made about the clock recently and realized I didn't care what he thought about it. My wonderful Lord steps into my thoughts at that moment and said, "You know how it doesn't bother you a bit when someone makes comments about the time on the clock. Well that is how you can and should feel about everything. Let the words and attitudes slide right off like that." I now h...