Doodledash

the wall that time built....... brick by brick brick by brick brick by brick i still could see you and ignored the wall. brick by brick brick by brick brick by brick i could still see you and ignored the wall. brick by brick brick by brick brick by brick i can't see you very well because of the wall. brick by brick brick by brick brick by brick i walked up to the wall and examined it. on each brick was a word. anger by hurt tears by rejection misunderstanding by resentment unforgiveness by pain i leaned against the wall and cried. brick by brick.

I believe in this thing called life we're all assigned our own little corner of hell to live through to help define the person we are and will be. It's not a case of feeling sorry for myself, although, an occasional pity party can work wonders. It's more how we face it, how we adapt to the situation that God has given us. I Cor 10:13 says  The only temptations that you have are the same temptations that all people have. But you can trust God. He will not let you be tempted more than you can bear. But when you are tempted, God will also give you a way to escape that temptation. Then you will be able to endure it. My saturation and endurance point is at the zenith and I'm standing about to crumble. It's so hard for me right now. I called to talk to my mom today because she is one of the few people who will listen and has a good perspective of the situation. I wanted to run away from home today but I couldn't because I didn't have my own car. I borrowed s...

Metamorphosis crept upon me and overtook me without my realization. By the time I was aware it was too late and the change had already begun. I realized it when I had the inner groaning which occurs when I am going through the process of growth. I picture myself as a butterfly as it is struggling to get out of its cocoon. Once I emerge I will have passed through another stage another time of growth but in the meantime it hurts. My friend told me I am strong. I feel no strength right now. Any strength is from a source outside of myself. Within myself I am weary and heavy laden wanting to rest, to have quiet slumber and a time of regeneration.  I have such a deep longing, a yearning in the depths of my soul but I can't find what I search for and so I try to fill it with books, movies, tv, music but none of them quiet the struggle or quell the storm. My friend asked for my favorite quote and I swiftly wrote it down. I discovered when I was twelve or thirteen. It is from the Road Le...

Amy is graduating next week. I find it overwhelming, amazing, inspiring, incredible, fabulous, intimidating and very scary. She was just a baby and now she is going to put on the cap and gown she got yesterday. Wow, where did the time go?  When I was pregnant with her I knew in my heart that she was going to have some challenges. I felt that she was probably going to have the same disability as Sarah and when it was confirmed it was a very hard day. I knew my life was going to change forever and at least had an idea of what it would be like because of Sarah. When she was born with Arthrogryposis I was ready and braced myself for it. God in his grace and mercy had some wonderful surprises for us though. He hooked us up with a fabulous woman in the hospital who told us about some new programs to help financially which changed our life. I had hope. It was liberating. Amy came home and was a spitfire from the start. This girl had such fire and such determination it blew me away. Sh...

Abandoned. Lost. Cast adrift on a sea of lethargy. I quit. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself? Luke 9:25 I have always thought of the losing or forfeiting yourself to be a spiritual eternal loss. I never thought that it could be applied to myself right now in the current reality of my life. I heard someone telling her story that she had to quit her church-which was a brave thing to do because she was the pastor's wife and the church was her life. She had reached a point of burn out, a place where she found she had lost herself. She did not know who she was and could no longer live with the way her life had turned out. She needed to pull back and leave to be healed. I have poured myself into my family, my job, helping other people, worrying and being afraid. I was afraid to say no. I was afraid of conflict. I was afraid of rocking the boat. It was easier to be compliant and complacent. Guess what? I am miserable and I d...

market structure owned and controlled by one seller according to the daughter who is doing vocab for her very boring Econ class. It is a required course this year and maybe the school is under the delusion that if the class is required some day in the future these students will be able to solve problems that we cannot currently solve.  Fat chance based on the class that she is in. The class is so awful the teacher can't handle it. What does this say about the state of our educational system? Survivor is on tonight. Hip hip hooray. It is my favorite show. I am trying to get inspired before the show so I know what to write about it. I run a fantasy game of Survivor and always write an update of the show. Maybe I will post it or a past one so it can be enjoyed by all. I don't know how kids can carry backpacks today and not suffer permanent damage. Amy's is so bloody heavy it can hardly be picked up. Thankfully it hangs on her wheelchair and I only have to hoist it on once ...

Fire. Burn. Fire. Flames. Papers. Burn. We had fire outside and burned some wood and Amy's papers from last year. Her junior papers went up in flames. C'est la vie. Here today and gone tonight. I am tired. Down. Tanked and going to bed.

We went out to dinner to our favorite restaurant tonight, QCumbers is a great place to bring the family. It is inexpensive, good deal for the dollar, family friendly,  with wonderful crew of people especially Kari and Bonnie. We have been going there since July 17, 1993. It is our favorite as I said. There is an all you can eat, help yourself til you burst salad bar, dessert, entree, ice cream, fruit, etc bar. Enough to satisfy the most finicky and hungry person. Enough for the sponsor. So we are chowing down the salad and the assorted food stuffs, Kari comes over to say hi. We chat and reminisce and the husband likes to bring up his favorite subject--our my mom mentions bowel movements or intestinal issues during dinner. Now he loves to tell this story all the time at dinner. Do you think one of these days it will dawn on him that he is much worse than she is? Probably not. After being fully sated we say goodbye to the girls and head home. Night time has a chill in the air and...

"MOTHER ANNE!" I knew I was in deep shit when she called me that. Sometimes it is because I said a bad word, sometimes it is because I have done something she deems 'inappropriate' sometimes it is just cuz it so much fun to tease her. The day has been pretty normal with no great catastrophe as of yet. Just your normal wake up, roll her over, pour food in the bag, leave, get dressed, come back, get her dressed progression and hope she wakes up once I get the clothes on and put her in the sling and into the wheelchair. It does help to have some semi conscious state when I put the contacts in because closed eyes don't maintain soft contacts well. The lenses tend to stick to the eyelids and vision is dark and blurred. Anyway, back to the Mother Anne bit. I had mentioned Sven and Ole when she said something and it produced a glare which we affectionately call "stink eye" and the exclamation. My daughter is a constant source of entertainment for me and I ...

A week ago I was struggling fiercely with a multitude of issues and drowning. Today the issues are still there but I am not struggling. I know what they are. I can feel them. I decided that I can't take responsibility for them and so I don't have to be overwhelmed by them. I am very thankful that I have pushed through them. My daughter got engaged a few days ago. I was surprised by it and it is not real easy for me. I love her with all my heart but I don't support the choices that she has made. I have and I continue to learn to walk in love and to not condemn those who believe differently than myself. It is a challenge for me and I am a work in progress. I do very much love you honey and I will always be there for you no matter what. I am proud of you for the woman that you are and I have great respect for you. My ultimate wish is for you to be happy. I do love Mackenzie. I love you Kate.

One of the definitions of wallow is To luxuriate; revel: as in wallow in self righteousness. I have not been wallowing in self righteousness at the moment but I have been a wallower of the first order. I have been wallowing in self pity, pain, anger, frustration, helplessness, discouragement, fear, and a host of other shades of dark. It has been one of the most miserable times of my life. I have felt like I was walking on the edge of darkness and felt like the ground was going to give way and I would collapse into its toxic hold. I did a lot of praying and crying. I had a lot of prayers from family and friends that helped push me through it. It is because of the grace of God and his protection that I got through the Valley of Shadows. I felt the sunshine on my face this morning as I climbed out of it and it was raining but what a beautiful rain. God in his mercy and love, though I do not understand it, allowed me to make this dark journey and walked along side of me the whole way....

My beloved has now joined the ranks of the student world. He is going to school to become a paralegal which is very cool but it is an extremely intense day. 3 hour lectures twice a day, 4 days a week. I am very proud of him and admire his discipline. He has hunkered down and diligently studying. What a fantabulous example of dedication and shows his wife and daughter how to do it! My life has been on a three month weird. It just felt so out of balance with my beloved home. I enjoyed his company but just wasn't used to having so much togetherness. Now that he is in school, there is a more balanced feel. I am not ready for retirement yet. Anyway, I have not really been in a routine for a while and decided I need to have some regularity in my life so I am starting to blog again. Sky is blue, muggy weather, shine, rain, summer is here. So I was always really interested in watching NCIS. I-we finally watched it one day in Jan/Feb. We were seriously hooked and set up the dvr to r...

I want to thank all those who have served in the armed services of our country. Thank you for your courage. Thank you for your sacrifice. Thank you for giving it all and laying it on the line. Thank you for living what you believe. Thank you for loving your country. Thank you for dignity and your grace. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to live in the greatest country on earth. Thank you families for your sacrifice and your sharing. Thank you for all you give every day of your life. Thank you for all you have done, do now and will do in the future. I salute you. I pray for you. I honor you. May God Bless You.

My friend titled her recent blog entry the same and I have to echo the thought. I don't where the time went. It was the end of March and suddenly I find myself at April 39 with little memory of the time in between save Easter. Major brainfarts I guess! Lots of stuff has been on my mind lately. Not sure where it will all end up but it is definitely some deep thinking. I know that makes no sense. I am tired and sad. I am happy and energetic. I am quiet and calm. I am up and down. I am most of all rambling. I went to a Twins game at Target Field last week with my hubby and we had a great time. Game sucked but the company was terrific and the locale stupendous. What a beautiful place it is and we took a bus to the game so no parking and traffic issues. Definitely the way to travel. The end of the school year is approaching and I feel it. Amy is itching for it to end. I want it to end. I am feeling freaky though because she has one more year of school and then what? Scares me. Ter...

I have had a very bad case of extended tunnel vision. It has slowly come to my attention how bad it has been. We played poker with friends. We went to a house that I have not visited before and it was a nice place. It was a nice place and told a lot about the owners. I felt like I was paying more attention to the surroundings than to the game. I still won anyway. I carefully examined the walls and decorations absorbing it all. I realized just how much I wasn't in my home. I determined at that time to make some changes. I came  home and looked around. I don't recognize myself in my home. I live here but who I am is not here. There are things that I have had for a long time but they are not necessarily who I am now. I have been a sideline observer not a participant here. I haven't known what I wanted so I gave up. Time to get off the rear and shift into gear. I am not sure what that all entails but time will tell. Another step forward after so many steps back. I have ...

My favorite song from Phantom of the Opera is The Point of No Return. The music sweeps me into the moment as Phantom and Christine come to the point where he is about to declare his love and she rips off his mask. From that point on everything has changed and there is no going back.  My brother recently told me about his moment when he made a choice and it was not the right one. He said it was several years ago but he can pinpoint it exactly as the starting point of when things changed. It was a point of no return. He looks back on it now with sadness and regret.  His story brought to mind a few of my moments which I have regrets about it. I can remember them both very clearly as if they were yesterday. It really confirms to me how important it is to maintain a vigil and stand strong with the things that are important to you. I have been so conscious of the choices I make and the result of the choice for the past several months. I may have written about it, but I can'...

I am bored with stuff. I am bored watching tv. I am bored on the computer. I am bored on facebook. I am bored reading. I am bored and want a new challenge. I am not sure what that will be. Husband now laid off for a week. He is keeping busy but bored at times too. We are adjusting to more togetherness. It is something new for all of us. It is like being on an endless vacation with lots of time on our hands. He spends a lot of time online looking for and applying for jobs. Tuesday was a hard day for me. It was the one year anniversary of my friend's death. I look back and appreciate the person she was and the friendship we had. I made changes in my life as a result of her departure. I am proud of myself for these changes and know that she would have been too. You know what is hard is really hard for me is being proud of myself. I share how much weight I have lost with people and they congratulate me. I can smile and not feel embarrassed but part of me is still shunning the att...

I am currently helping Amy with a study guide for the Crucible. I am in agony doing it. She is not enjoying the experience either. It is 17 pages long with a zillion questions. It is groanningly awful. I don't care about the book and Amy currently has been falling asleep. She has mush brain syndrome right now. UGH.

i was cold and decided after i had been standing in front of the open oven door and having longing thoughts of a hot shower that i might be sick. i took my temp and voila i had a fever. that was almost two weeks ago. it was a most unpleasant experience especially when amy was home sick too. we both missed a week of work/school. last saturday i was driving by my clinic and looked longing at it. i decided maybe i needed to go to urgent care. i had a sinus infection and got some antibiotics and sudafed. my sinus sludge had just gotten to be too awful and a few days of the magic pills gave me a clear head and body free of aches. it was wonderful. i am now human again. it truly is a most amazing gift from God to be healthy and i rejoice in it. health is a wonderful gift. one great result of my illness was i lost 6 pounds and have now passed the 30 poundage milestone!!!!! huzzah. hurrah. hallelujah and praise the lord. today at work someone who asked if i had lost weight and i sm...

It has actually been a hard year. A year ago I was clueless as to what was going to happen. Clueless can be nice at times. Enough negative. Focus on the positive. I have lost 25 pounds. I am proud of that. I need to focus on the weight loss more seriously. Since the holidays I have been distracted. I have reached a plateau and need to shake it up somehow. I went to Joann Fabric today and bought some yarn and knitting needles. I am going to give it another go at knitting. I have been reading a series of murder mysteries that are centered around a yarn shop. Hero has learned to knit and is progressing. It has inspired me. I am going to make a dishcloth. I have started doing things that I like to do. I am trying to make time for me. Allow myself some fun. It is hard but I am slowly progressing. I have read several books which makes me very happy. I am trying to stop playing so many games on Facebook. I waste a lot of time doing it and I have to clamp down on it. I am really ...