Doodledash

broken. hurting. sadness. tears of despair. deep sighs. God uses whatever we give him. He takes the broken pieces and puts them back together in a new and glorious way for His use. letting go. giving up. lifting up. Take it and do you need to do. I can't do it on my own. Do it. Please. Free me from the past and give me a new future. right now. your way. step by step with your help. You are my everything. I can do it all with your help. Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.

Well she is gone. Her bed is gone. Her clothes are gone. Her room is still a disaster but her primary essentials are now gone. I went in her room to turn off the lamp and it was empty. My mom told me the first to leave the nest is the hardest. I have been working on this for four years since Kate first went to Italy. I have piece by piece been trying to cut the cord. Letting go is really hard. It really sucks. I've held on to her so tightly that I have smothered her. The crazy things you do for love. It was all done out of love just came out half assed backwards. I had to let go of Sarah and I wasn't real thrilled with the outcome. I have let go of Kate because she has her own life to live. I have to step into a new role as Mom and it all new territory for me. I am sorry for putting so much responsibility and so many expectations upon your shoulders. I hope that your kids turn out half as wonderful as you and your sister because then you will be a success. Happy Birthday Kate.

Well today my daughter moves into her first apartment. It is generating some deep sighs within me. I will miss her very much. She has been weaning us by not being around much and I know it is time. She will turn twenty-one tomorrow so it is a very appropriate time for her to leave. She is really excited about it. She is going to live a few miles from home so it won't be far away. She will be close enough to bring her wash home and nab food when needed. I am very thankful that she isn't moving to another state. It could be much harder. I remember the moment when I called and got the test results from the doctor. I was at a pay phone in a mall and I stood there in shock. It was a big surprise and my first thought was "I give you this child Lord. Thank you for this little one within me." I can't believe that was 21 years ago. It is amazing to look back and see the swift flight of time. She has grown into a wonderful, fun and loving woman who brings me great joy. I lo...

when I was young and ignorant that I would get married and live happily ever after. I dreamed that I would meet my Prince Charming and he would save me from the world. He would solve all my problems and life would be wonderful. I did meet my prince but his name wasn't Charming. It was Dane. He didn't solve all my problems and life wasn't always wonderful. He didn't save me from the world but he helped me to learn to save myself along with a lot of help from God. Along with my thoughts of Prince Charming, I thought I could have whatever I wanted too. I had grown up the only girl and the oldest of several brothers. I had learned how to control and manipulate them from a young age. Queen Me controlled the TV, had willing slaves who waited on me and always got up when I entered the room so I could sit in my favorite seat. They were well trained. One day I opened my mouth and bragged that I could get them to do anything I wanted. My brother who was helping me at the time, st...

I was a blushing bride.

This was a paper written by my daughter when she was in 4th grade for a report. She wrote about herself and her thoughts at that time. It speaks for itself. I was born with a disease called Arthrogryposis. My mom had to have a c-section when I was born because the doctors knew I was probably going to be disabled and it was the safest way for me to be born. I had to stay in the hospital for three weeks until the doctors knew I was strong enough to go home. Arthrogryposis is a fairly rare disease. It comes from a Greek term which means hooked or curved joints. The joints become very stiff and form contractures. Muscles become weak and don’t develop the right way. All the joints in my body have been affected by it. I can’t hold my head up because my muscles are too weak. I am not able to move my arms or legs very much. I can’t run or walk and need to be in a wheelchair to get around. Most of the time Arthrogryposis doesn’t occur again in the same family. It usually isn’t a genetic disease...

There have been so many times in my life when I have been unhappy with myself and I have desperately wanted to change. I have found myself shedding tears out of total frustration because no matter how hard I tried, I just wasn't able to change. I didn't know how to do it. I have finally discovered the secret to the impossibe. I have to change my thinking and my long established habits. I have to speak positively and think of the way I want to be. When I find myself being negative, I have to stop myself and interrupt the thought. I have to say I am doing this, I have changed, I am a different person. Words of faith and changing my thoughts are the secret.

Have you ever considered what the world looks like from a wheelchair? It is a difficult and challenging view. Steps, curbs, doorways, bumps, sidewalks, sand, rocks, and mud are often impassable challenges. Steep grades and bumpy roads make driving hard. On my side of the family, my daughter is only able to visit my parents home. It is the only one that she can get into fairly easily. I have six brothers and she has never visited their homes because she can't get into the houses. There are no ramps and it is too hard to carry her and her chair anymore up steps. Doorways are narrow and there is little room in a house for a wheelchair. She has been able to visit her uncle in Omaha but he has several stairs inside his home that always stress me. Her grandma lives in a first floor condo that is wonderful and accessible for her. Traveling is always an adventure. You get very creative and you plan your destination and trips well. It makes life much easier to know that you can get somewher...

I find it is very easy for me to preach. I often end up preaching or lecturing to my family when I want to make a point. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. I don't mean to do it, it just ends up coming out the mouth. My youngest will get this look on her face and I realize that I have started in and she is more than happy to tell me that "I am boring her" and I better quit while the getting is good. The past few months have been really hard for me--emotionally, spiritually, and every which but loose. I have prayed for a long time to have the Lord change my heart and He has. I just didn't expect it to hurt so much. I have bombarded on all fronts and had to learn some hard facts about myself that I could no longer avoid. I am not always flexible. I am not always open minded. I am not always wrong. I am not always right. I have hurt the ones that I love by my attitudes. I have compromised with things and now I am paying the price. It is true that you reap what you sow.

One day we all die. We all leave something of ourselves behind with those we've touched. What kind of heritage do I leave behind for my family? What have I done? What have I given? What have I lived? What will there be from me?I am not sure what it will be but I will tell of the heritage that I have been given from those who have meant so much to me. Grandma Doll showed me that God was real and that He answers prayers. I learned that I can pray about anything and that He was there with me. Grandpa showed me that he loved me. He taught me how to pitch a baseball. I remember that better than anything else. He made me feel important and worthwhile. Grandma Joyce gave me lollipops. She gave me books. She gave me warm hugs and wonderful baking smells. We played games. When I was with Grandma, I learned to have fun and be practical. I learned about life. Grandma never let her disability stop her. She kept on going and persevered. Carolyn gave me laughter. Phyl opened my eyes to the possi...

I like to set the time on the clock ahead several minutes. Two out of the three clocks that are my primary time source are set fast. The bird clock is 12 minutes fast and I use that to warn me when I need to get Amy ready in the morning. The clock in the van is 23 minutes fast. I like 23 minutes. It is my little trick on time that helps me enormously or at least I think it does. It makes everyone else crazy and they constantly comment about it. I don't care. I just laugh it off and tell them tough luck. Live with it. Today when I was driving to work, I thought about the comments my brother-in-law had made about the clock recently and realized I didn't care what he thought about it. My wonderful Lord steps into my thoughts at that moment and said, "You know how it doesn't bother you a bit when someone makes comments about the time on the clock. Well that is how you can and should feel about everything. Let the words and attitudes slide right off like that." I now h...

I was a child who had just gotten a beautiful sheltie named Julie. She was young and soft and furry. I loved her dearly. One night I heard a terrible squeal and an uproar occurred at my home. Julie had been hit by a car and my parents rushed to the vet. I remember laying awake crying and praying that she would be okay. I woke up knowing in my heart that I would be met with bad news. Instead I was told she was alive and had surgery. She survived and lived a long and fulfilling life. This was the first time I really remember loving a pet so much I spent the night crying at the thought of her death.

It gets hard to be the primary caregiver for my daughter. There are so many things that need to be done and I am the one who usually does them. My friend told me the difference between a caregiver and caretaker. A caretaker is doing for someone what they are perfectly able to do for themselves. A caregiver is doing for someone what they are unable to do for themselves. Why is being a caregiver for Amy a gift? I get to spend quality time with her. I get to know her needs. I get to know who she is and what she likes. I learn to read her. I learn to anticipate her. I am able to help her because I know her. I get to laugh with her. I get to hug her. I get to cry with her. I get to be angry at her. I get to hurt with her. I get to shake my head at her. I get to see her for who she is. She can't hide from me. I know how she thinks. I know the look in her eye. I know why she wrinkles her nose a certain way. I know what she likes. I know how much she loves Logan. I know how much she loves ...

I was looking through some pictures and found one of my daughter with some friends from school. They were all dressed up and smiling. They were best friends for a while. I miss them. I found a picture from my parents anniversary last year. I was with Cynde, Colleen and Stef. The four women together==family, sisters-in-law. That was the last time because now Stef is leaving the family. I miss family. I find myself being very sensitive and defensive around someone. It upsets me that I react that way. Maybe it's because I recognize things that I have struggled with and I am still touchy about. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells sometimes. It is very tiring. I can't be myself and feel comfortable. I miss that. I see so many things changing around me lately. It is sometimes hard to recognize. I know change is the only real constant but it does get hard. I miss things. Sometimes I don't miss it. Most of the time I am fine. Tonight I miss....it all.

Grumpus. Crank. Sourpuss. Bitchy. Churlish. Belligerent. Petulant. Sarcastic. Tart. Testy. Irritable. Disagreeable. Grouchy. Ornery. Vinegary. Cantankerous. Crotchety. Irascible. Contrary. Surly. Petulant. Testy. Crabby. Crusty. Brusque. Dour. Curt. Gruff. Peevish. Snippety. Critical. Cussed. Bellyaching. Moody. PMS. Edgy. Peppery. Splenetic. Touchy. I started out being cranky and it turned into something so much more interesting. I like crotchety the best. These are all great sounding words. So descriptive. Wonderful words. I'm not cranky anymore.

My dear sweet sister-in-law told me that I suffer from diarrhea of the mouth versus me telling her that she suffers from constipation of the mouth. I will generally tell anything about myself and freely talk. I am a curious individual who enjoys sharing her thoughts at times. Sometimes I have been known to talk too freely. On the other hand, my beloved Brat doesn't disclose anything easily. You have to pry information out of her if you want to know something worthwhile. Ya gotta dig for the gold! So my dear readers we come to a standoff. Which is better free flowing or stuck?

in my life is my dear friend, Reina. I met her twenty one years ago when I first started working at Dayton's. I noticed her doing cross stitch which was something I enjoyed doing too. We started talking one day about our common interest. It was the first of many talks. I enjoyed talking to her. I would sit with during lunch and we'd chat about life. She was so friendly and cheerful. I needed someone like her in my life then. Sarah had died and I was new in my job and really didn't have any friends. She was a warm patch of sunlight in my cold darkness. We have shared a lot together through the years. She took care of Katie at her daycare and we shared our joys and sorrows of motherhood, children and life. Reina gave me wonderful bits of wisdom and advice that I have cherished. She had practical tips and insights that were invaluable to me. One of the reasons I have such an easy and open relationship with my daughters is because of her. She was loving and open with her kids. ...

I spent a lot of time this weekend reviewing grammar that I was happy to forget a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away. Amy missed a lot of school the last few weeks and is trying to catch up on her grammar. She has this book which can put you to sleep faster than a minister when he starts his sermon. She was supposed to read and review it and learn the wonderous joys of predicates, prepositional phrases and interjectives. I took one look at the reading and knew it might as well be in Hebrew. I had nothing better to do this weekend so I became intimately involved with direct objects and preposition nominatives. I did the conjunction junction and the adverb rhumba. I went head first into the deep waters of the object and subject in a prepositional phrase. Little did I know the mysteries and rumblings these things stirred within me. I had an orgasmic experience as I read the differences between a direct object and indirect object. The direct object always follows an "action v...

Once upon a time and they all lived happily ever after! I am not going to eat that meatloaf! I like it! I like it! They grow up so fast. Treasure every moment. Inhale and breathe in their scent. Kiss their tears. Stroke their hair. Hug them silly. Scream silently. Smile constantly. Love incessantly. Treasure every moment. For now and eternity. They grow up so fast. And then they are gone.

Maybe today I will write that letter. Maybe today I will bake those cookies. Maybe today I will talk to my kids. Maybe today I will learn how to knit. Maybe today I will take time for me. Maybe today I will turn off the tv. Maybe today I will learn Spanish. Maybe today I will sign up for that class. Maybe today I will tell my husband how much I love him. Maybe today I will tell my friend the most important thing in my life. Maybe today I will let the world know that life isn't worth anything unless you Know HIM. Maybe today I will let go of my fears. Maybe today I will take that risk. Maybe today I will reach out to the needy. Maybe today I won't yell at my daughter. Maybe today I will be more patient. Maybe today I will stop saying maybe and do it before I don't have anymore todays.