Out of the cracks and corners of my mind...

When I move into a new desk at work, the first thing I do once I am settled and have cleaned everything is shake my keyboard and clean my mouse. I open the bottom, take out the ball and generally get totally grossed out. I clean out the built up grime and dust. I clean the cracks and crevices. I make it shine.

So many things have been creeping out the shadows and cracks of my mind. I know debris and ickies build up in these places just like they do everywhere else. I feel icky. I want to have an out of body experience and take a high pressure hose to myself. I want to clean out all those cracks and all those corners. I want to be washed clean. I want to feel clean. I want to sparkle and shine like my mouse.

I have increased the dosage of my antidepressant again. I hope it helps. I want it to help. I want to be a work in progress. Unfortunately I feel like a progress that doesn't work. I should be happy. I am. Not. I have been on vacation for two weeks. Had a wonderful time. Don't want to go back to work. Sigh.

Somewhere in the midst of all my angst, I have a mustard seed size of hope. Thank God for those little buggers. I have one so I know they really are little. (mustard seeds that is). I am clinging to it like a tick on a dog. Some day I will look back on this and remember how I made it through this one. Right now I am not enjoying the ride.

I should go to bed now but I am writing this and hoping to lose some of the pressure in my brain. Maybe it will produce a few tears and make me tired. I would like that.

I guess the bottom line of all this is the fact that I am in the process of being refined and I don't like the heat. You know the one where it said we are silver and the smith is working on us or He is the potter and we are the clay. Well I am getting softened right now and it is hard.

In New York, we saw the play Beauty and the Beast. I was thinking of a line from the song "Then somebody bends unexpectedly." It made me think about horses. Wild horses are magnificent and beautiful. They provoke images of running free out in the wilds. I realized though that as beautiful as these horses are, the only way they really do anyone good is if they are broken.

Unless I bend and let go of my pride, my will, my stubborness anything I do will be surface and temporary. I need to bend and make a little change. Once a change is made, it is a new beginning. It is not a defeat. It is not a loss. It is a taming, a softening, a necessity for growth.

I need to stop fighting it and bend. Be flexible. It will be faster and hurt less. He is gentle and He loves me.

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