Dear Sarah...
It has been twenty years since I last saw you. The time has gone by so quickly yet it has been so slow. Time is an odd thing. While you are in the midst of it, it is the slowest thing there is but when you look back, it is the fastest.
I stood by you as the machine whooshed each breath for you. The warming blanket tried to keep your body warmed. The machines did the best they could but it was obvious that it was time for you to leave. Your borrowed time upon this earth which was God's gift to us was now over and we had to give you back to Him. It had taken me eleven days but I knew I had to let you go.
I sat in the chapel with my cousin Kathy and we talked. Daddy stayed with you in the room as the machines were quieted and you were finally allowed to slip away. I came to say goodbye with Daddy next to me. I brushed your hair out of your face and stroked your hand. I looked at your quiet face one last time and said goodbye. I called grandma and grandpa to tell them you were gone.
I thought about Sesame Street Live. It was just starting and you had been looking forward to seeing it. Now some of your friends were seeing it for you and maybe you stopped by on your way to heaven. Maybe you said goodbye to Big Bird and Snuffy. I hope so because you loved them so.
I walked out of the hospital door with snowdrifts high as my waist and a white wonderland of snow that you would never see again. I was numbed by the cold and icy fingers of my soul.
I didn't want you to leave. I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to stay a mother. I was now a mother without a child. I didn't want that at all. It was the worst thing that could have happened. It changed me forever.
I guess it changed you too. Now instead of laying still unable to move or sitting quietly and watching life move on around you, you were able to get up and dance. You were able to run and jump. You were able to swing high enough to touch the tree tops. You were able to skip and sing and laugh with your head flung back and your arms outstretched. Everything you weren't able to do while you were here with us. All my prayers were answered but I wasn't there to watch. One day I will see you and I will share the joy but now I can only imagine it.
God in His mercy gave us Katie and Amy to love. I love them more than my own life and would do anything for them just like I would have for you. My kids have been the greatest gift that the Lord has given me. He gave me the most wonderful husband with the gentlest and most loving heart who is the only one who can understand how I feel right now.
I became a different person because of you my princess. I was a nice person but I had a strong streak of selfishness. I had to change and become the person that you needed. I never imagined that I would have a child who was disabled. It was a big surprise but the Lord had prepared me for it. I didn't give up. I leaned on my family and got the strength from their prayers. I opened up and reached up knowing I couldn't do it on my own. I grabbed hold of the faith that was there and let it grow. I had to put into practice all the things that I had learned and heard about for years. It was time to put my money where my mouth was and just do it.
I know that when you were born, you were not supposed to live. God honored your Daddy's prayers and my faith and gave us 4 1/2 years with you. I am so thankful for that time. I became a better person and when it was time for you to leave, I was able to face it a lot better than I would have if you had left at your birth.
The summer before you were born, God gave me a picture of a little girl on a swing. She was swinging and laughing joyfully. He told me it was my daughter. I became pregnant a few months later. After your death, I realized that He had shown me so I would have hope and faith. When I found out you had problems, my first response was "God has healed her." I just didn't know the healing wouldn't take place until heaven.
Sarah Marie, my darling daughter. Your name means princess and your middle name means bitter. Your short life was hard and their was a distinct edge of bitterness that could have resulted but it didn't. I did taste the bitter bite though and rejoice that it has been turned into the sweetness of honey.
My child, one day we will see each other again. On that day I will stand there and know the joy that is unspeakable and full of glory. I love you still and always will.
Mom
I stood by you as the machine whooshed each breath for you. The warming blanket tried to keep your body warmed. The machines did the best they could but it was obvious that it was time for you to leave. Your borrowed time upon this earth which was God's gift to us was now over and we had to give you back to Him. It had taken me eleven days but I knew I had to let you go.
I sat in the chapel with my cousin Kathy and we talked. Daddy stayed with you in the room as the machines were quieted and you were finally allowed to slip away. I came to say goodbye with Daddy next to me. I brushed your hair out of your face and stroked your hand. I looked at your quiet face one last time and said goodbye. I called grandma and grandpa to tell them you were gone.
I thought about Sesame Street Live. It was just starting and you had been looking forward to seeing it. Now some of your friends were seeing it for you and maybe you stopped by on your way to heaven. Maybe you said goodbye to Big Bird and Snuffy. I hope so because you loved them so.
I walked out of the hospital door with snowdrifts high as my waist and a white wonderland of snow that you would never see again. I was numbed by the cold and icy fingers of my soul.
I didn't want you to leave. I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to stay a mother. I was now a mother without a child. I didn't want that at all. It was the worst thing that could have happened. It changed me forever.
I guess it changed you too. Now instead of laying still unable to move or sitting quietly and watching life move on around you, you were able to get up and dance. You were able to run and jump. You were able to swing high enough to touch the tree tops. You were able to skip and sing and laugh with your head flung back and your arms outstretched. Everything you weren't able to do while you were here with us. All my prayers were answered but I wasn't there to watch. One day I will see you and I will share the joy but now I can only imagine it.
God in His mercy gave us Katie and Amy to love. I love them more than my own life and would do anything for them just like I would have for you. My kids have been the greatest gift that the Lord has given me. He gave me the most wonderful husband with the gentlest and most loving heart who is the only one who can understand how I feel right now.
I became a different person because of you my princess. I was a nice person but I had a strong streak of selfishness. I had to change and become the person that you needed. I never imagined that I would have a child who was disabled. It was a big surprise but the Lord had prepared me for it. I didn't give up. I leaned on my family and got the strength from their prayers. I opened up and reached up knowing I couldn't do it on my own. I grabbed hold of the faith that was there and let it grow. I had to put into practice all the things that I had learned and heard about for years. It was time to put my money where my mouth was and just do it.
I know that when you were born, you were not supposed to live. God honored your Daddy's prayers and my faith and gave us 4 1/2 years with you. I am so thankful for that time. I became a better person and when it was time for you to leave, I was able to face it a lot better than I would have if you had left at your birth.
The summer before you were born, God gave me a picture of a little girl on a swing. She was swinging and laughing joyfully. He told me it was my daughter. I became pregnant a few months later. After your death, I realized that He had shown me so I would have hope and faith. When I found out you had problems, my first response was "God has healed her." I just didn't know the healing wouldn't take place until heaven.
Sarah Marie, my darling daughter. Your name means princess and your middle name means bitter. Your short life was hard and their was a distinct edge of bitterness that could have resulted but it didn't. I did taste the bitter bite though and rejoice that it has been turned into the sweetness of honey.
My child, one day we will see each other again. On that day I will stand there and know the joy that is unspeakable and full of glory. I love you still and always will.
Mom
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